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Friday, May 27, 2022
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Rebecca takes an extra long hit from her beloved Juul, something she will never again take for granted.

UW-Madison freshman experiences 7 stages of grief after losing Juul at party

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

 This past Saturday night Rebecca Gonzalez-Smith, a first-year student at UW-Madison, was preparing to go out for the night. Nearly one week after she moved into her dorm room in Sellery Hall, and on the night after the first home football game, Rebecca was eager to go out with her new friends and experience the weekend scene. Yelling loudly and traveling in a pack of at least twelve other people, Rebecca and her friends made their way over to Langdon St where they were permitted entrance into a fraternity house.

After about an hour and a half of socializing at the fraternity, Rebecca and her friends decided to go to Ian’s Pizza. Moments after leaving the fraternity, however, just as it seemed they were having a successful night out, tragedy struck. Rebecca, feeling the impulse to inhale from her electronic nicotine vaping device, frantically felt at her pockets to no avail. 

Shock and Denial

“Wait guys, wait hold on. I can’t like find my like Juul,” remarked Rebecca as she alerted her friends in a panic. “Oh my god I must have left it at the frat. Oh my god no this can’t be happening to me right now,” retorted Rebecca. Her friends briefly looked up from their Snapchat as they recognized the severity of the situation.

Pain and Guilt

“Ughh I need to hit my Juul. I just really wanna like hit my Juul so bad right now,” murmered Rebecca as she began to cry – certainly not from alcoholic intoxication.

Anger and Bargaining

“Can we go back?! It might still be there!” Rebecca wailed

“Becky it’s fine you can hit mine.” One of Rebecca’s friends graciously suggested.

“No! If we go back now it could just be sitting there!”

Depression, Reflection and Loneliness

“I’m never going to find this Juul. It’s gone. I can’t believe it’s gone,” uttered a melancholy and dejected Rebecca. Because Rebecca’s friends were loyal and caring after their week-long friendship, they consoled her by offering the timeless advice that she was being really obnoxious.

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The Upward Turn

“Hey, could I maybe like hit one of your vapes instead?” inquired Rebecca, showing real progress.

“My god that’s literally what we’ve said this whole time.” Responded Rebecca’s friends with glee.

Reconstruction

Maybe it’s time to quit Juuling,” said Rebecca. “It was like a lot of fun but it’s like really bad for you so I’ll just hit other peoples and not own one.”

Acceptance

In a moment of great catharsis, Rebecca finally concluded, “actually I’m just gonna get another Juul like tomorrow or something.”

*Rebecca is from New Jersey, hopes to join Alpha Phi and also is not real.

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