almanac

Debate Over Best Doritos Flavor Unites the Masses, Deciding that All Politicians Suck

At Virginia’s State Capitol this past Tuesday, protestors from near and far and across the aisle rioted together as one to fight for a necessary cause: the Pro-Spicy Sweet Chili Movement. 

The rally was prompted by comments from Representative Scott Taylor and Senator Tim Kaine, who got into a verbal argument over which flavor of Doritos reigns supreme, effectively questioning both elected officials’ moral compasses. 

“I genuinely don’t understand how a man can be so ignorant,” said Kaine, with noticeably cheesy not-yet-licked fingers. “TEAM NACHO CHEESE FOREVER.” 

While Kaine exhibited his allegiance to Team Nacho Cheese, and has done so publicly for years, nothing can beat Taylor’s commitment to his chip of choice. 

Trumpeting a new forehead tattoo that reads “Cool Ranch Gang” and even contributing to promotional content for Doritos, Taylor has lost (and gained) many political supporters due to his snack food affiliations. 

Despite their seemingly undying devotions to their flavor allegiances, which are tearing apart their state government, neither men regret their actions. 

“I decided long ago that, if I were to work in public office, I was going to do it right,” said Taylor. “And I think I am doing just that by standing up for those marginalized voices: those that live for Cool Ranch Doritos.” 

Yet, Virginia constituents have not been pleased with their state government, thus resulting in their march around the capitol with signs reading “KAINE, ARE YOU FEEDING THAT CRAP TO OUR CHILDREN?” “WE LIKE OUR POLITICS SPICY AND SWEET, NOT CHEESY AND COOL,” and “RANCH IS MY OPPRESSOR.” 

As sad as the tale is, proponents of democracy can be thankful that this conclusion that all politicians are immoral and are motivated entirely by the personal benefits of snack foods was able to be reached without the institutions of racism, sexism, and toxic masculinity getting in the way. 

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