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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, February 05, 2023

Janesville Man Hopes Acosta Fired, Cheers on Gianforte

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

After Jim Acosta maliciously guided a female intern’s hand off his microphone at a White House press meeting on Wednesday, Janesville resident Jared Williamson reacted in disbelief. “The fake news posterboy really messed up this time,” Williamson remarked, adding that “if a Republican was to have done this, hell would break loose; CNN better fire this abuser.”

In unrelated news, Republican Rep. Greg Gianforte, who gently body slammed a reporter last year, was re-elected in Montana on Tuesday. “I’m glad Gianforte won. He was just fed up with the liberal bias in the media, and he did what all true Americans wish they could: body slammed the shit out of a journo,” Williamson astutely observed.

When asked how these two instances compare, Williamson explained that “if the libs want to prop up this Me Too malarkey, then they have to suffer the consequences. And besides, it’s not against the law to beat the crap out of someone who's being a jerk, you know?”

As the interview pressed on, Williamson, appearing slightly inebriated, became intent on the pressing issue of Benghazi and more generally, “owning the libs.” He wished for this article to conclude with “Go Pack, go.”

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