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Monday, May 20, 2024
Red Potato
Washington Redskins Training Camp August 4, 2011

Washington Redskins announce changing team mascot to potato

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

At a press conference preceding their next game, the Washington Redskins owner, Dan Snyder, announced that the team will be changing their mascot to a humanoid potato before the current NFL season concludes. This comes as a surprise to many fans and opposers of the current team mascot, due to Snyder’s previous statements concerning the team’s current name potentially being offensive to people of Native American heritage. In 2013, Snyder wrote a deeply felt letter to fans of the team explaining that the team name would never change because of the pride, longstanding history, and tradition that the team has. In the press conference he explained his reasoning behind the decision.

“Before things get too out of hand, I want to make it clear that I am standing by the statements I made in my 2013 letter to Redskins fans. We will not be changing the name of the team. However, it has come to my attention that our team colors and values stand more in line with that of the potato’s red skin.” He explained further, “Our versatility on the field is similar to the many ways you can prepare a potato. Because we want to fully embrace its tubular nature, we will begin practices with players playing with large, rejected potatoes from Idaho rather than footballs, effective immediately.”

“The quarterbacks are having some difficulty adjusting to the change,” an assistant coach said. “Usually, they’re expected to throw through the goalpost from the opposing 40-yard line. With potatoes, they hardly make it to the 20.”

Fans of the redskins were immediately outraged by the change in mascot. One fan in particular, Ryle O. Reefer, started a petition to keep the current Redskins mascot. When Cardinal staffers reached out to him concerning his petition, he responded very quickly stating, “As an Irishman, I’m personally offended that someone would use such a huge part of my history as a caricature for a sports team.”

While there are some that are happy with the changes, a group of redskin potato farmers have begun planning a rally at the FedEx. Field in D.C., apparently upset at the mockery of their livelihood. They could not be reached for comment by the time of publication.

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