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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Wednesday, November 29, 2023

Wall Street banker deems soul useless, loans it out for huge profit

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Chad Trent, recent grad of Harvard University and current Wall Street banker, loaned out his soul at an adjustable subprime rate around 11 a.m. Sunday, right after mass.

The banker recently broke the $100 million mark and his ambition and greed have grown exponentially with his profit. Responsible for more than 12,000 small business bankruptcies and loan defaults, Trent really has no need for his soul, and claims it simply weighs him down.

 “I acquired my soul when I was a little bugger, around the time I opened my first lemonade stand. It was given to me by my mom if I remember correctly; she was such a sucker, who gives away anything for free? Anyway, I’ve never used it so it’s time it let it go,” Trent said  while vigorously emailing potential clients.

“I thought my soul was helpful once when my ex-girlfriend Greta dumped me in the 5th grade. I felt sadness and regret for a few minutes, but then my lemonade business was bought out by Mike’s Hard and I discovered two things: My soul is pointless and alcohol is tight.”

Cardinal reporters pressed the banker for details of the transaction, much to the annoyance of the very busy Trent. “I’m transferring full equity of my soul for shares in both Google and Uber. Souls these days are leased for about $50 million a year, which converts to about 1 percent of Uber and 0.7 percent of Google. Pretty damn good use of immaterial, translucent wealth.”

When questioned whether the financial guru would regret or miss his soul, Trent responded, “Souls around here are really more of an inside joke than anything. Some of the guys keep them to be funny and whip ‘em out every once in a while, ya know, to experience emotion during cocktail parties and such. It’s always fun to see but of no real material use.”

Trent’s soul, which he stored in a glass ball because he “couldn’t stand having it anymore,” was set to be picked up by the buyer later in the week. In the meantime, Trent will spend the week tossing it up and down, “toying with my full transition to complete lack of emotion.” 

At press time, Trent was evicting orphans and single mothers with a renewed vigor only the soulless would understand.

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