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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Wednesday, November 29, 2023

Man with bottle opener attached to car keys had no intention of driving drunk

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Trevor McIntyre, 33, of Fond du Lac, Wis., was pulled over and issued a DUI late Wednesday night after his vehicle was spotted swerving wildly on State Highway 41. This was McIntyre’s third drunk driving citation.

McIntyre had spent the evening having drinks at a friend’s home. Sources say he left in his car around 11 p.m., after adamantly claiming that he was OK to drive. Daniel Peters, a longtime friend of McIntyre’s, mentioned the fact that despite his previous drunk driving citations, McIntyre had not considered removing his bottle opener from the key chain that holds his car keys.

“You’d think he would’ve figured out that it’s not a great idea to keep the thing that lets you drink next to the thing that lets you drive,” said Peters. “But Trevor’s always been kinda stubborn and still believes he’ll be able to tell when he can and can’t drive. At this point I don’t think he’ll ever learn.”

Officer Michael Pietrangelo, who made the arrest, said the large grey bottle opener and Bud Light key chain were among the first things he noticed in McIntyre’s vehicle as he spoke with him. Pietrangelo recalls McIntyre mentioning that he “really hadn’t planned on driving drunk.”

At press time McIntyre was nervously spinning his key chain, bottle opener and all, around his fingers in the back of a police vehicle as he awaited further information about his legal fate. 

Officers in the department remain perplexed about the bottle opener on McIntyre’s key chain, pointing out that “it’s just as easy to open a beer with your keys.”

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