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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, November 28, 2023

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All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Mr. Alfred Manac

2142 Vilas Hall, 821 University Avenue, Madison, WI | (608) 262-8000


University of Wisconsin- Madison

Bachelor of Masters of Doctors of Science, best by: May 2018

Major: Geometry (Post-Euclidian)

Certificates for: Participation, Orange Peeling

Semi-Cumulative Self-Reported GPA: 4.0; Jimmy Dean’s List (3 Semesters)

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Primary Qualifications

Standing vertical jump of 18 inches (45.72 centimeters)

Able to whistle every melody from Neil Diamond’s 1969 hit album Touching You, Touching Me

Over 10,000 neural pathways

Personable and outgoing

Lifelong connoisseur of fine Egyptian linens and canned beer

Criminal Exploits

Murder Convictions: 0 (.5)

Most Recent Felonies: Loitering, littering, laddering, liberding

No shoplifting convictions

Except for that one time

Please don’t tell

Family History

Grandmother was a strong German woman with a penchant for drinking and the strongest forearms east of Berlin

Grandfather was a sailing man

Descendent of Adam and/or Eve

Family tree is a Lodgepole Pine, family shrub is Witch Hazel

Spent childhood roaming the plains of the Blackfoot River in Montana, where I learned to fly fish and frolicked with all of God’s creatures. It was there that I found who I am and who I am not

Defining Physical Traits

Strong, broad shoulders created by advanced bionic processes

Adorable dimples

Peg leg that came as the result of a freak accident involving a pit bull, a farming combine and a pinball machine

Favorite Recipe: Twice Unbaked Potatoes

First, peel as many potatoes as you would like to eat for your meal

Second, save the skins (they will come in handy later)

Third, put the potatoes in the oven that you’ve preheated to room temperature. Be sure room temperature is no less than 350 degrees

Fourth, leave them there for a while. You’ll know when it’s time

Fifth, put the potatoes on a plate or a bowl or a platter

Sixth, put the peels back on

Seven, take off the peels and eat the potatoes, if you want to

Employment History

Bed Maker

Lawn Mower

Trash Taker Outer

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