Skip to Content, Navigation, or Footer.
The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, November 28, 2023

Millions of prayers answered as God remembers cell phone passcode

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Prosperity and joy were felt around the world this morning after God, creator of the heavens and the earth, remembered his cell phone passcode following a multi-millennia lockout.

According to sources close to God, the lockout started as a prank by God’s former angel, Satan. Not surprisingly, this prank was taken very poorly by God, a well-known sore loser. The feud between the two eventually resulted in the disappearance and exile of the former angel. 

“Satan, what a guy. Always messing around with other dudes’ halos and stuff. What happened to him?” wondered Archangel Samuel, former friend of Satan. “Last I heard he was getting really into snakes, or was it apples? No, it was definitely snakes.” 

In what he thought was a wild guess, the almighty deity eventually regained access to his phone by entering a combination of four zeros. 

“Yep. Yep. Mhm, yeah that makes sense. I must’ve made it after my son’s birth year,” mused the omnipotent being.“I guess I’ve kind of spaced on his birthday for the past couple of millennia. Hopefully he’ll forgive me and turn the other cheek. It’s kinda our thing.” 

“For the longest time I actually thought the code was 1960, but then I remembered that’s the birth year of my second son, Bono,” God admitted sheepishly.

In a moment of impressive multitasking, God simultaneously answered all the pent-up prayers, reinstating peace on Earth. 

God was especially amused by the fan-favorite prayer: “Give us this day our daily bread,” to which he responded by kicking off a sale on premium whole-wheat loaves at Walmart locations across the country.

At press time, God was drawing a blank on his voicemail password, starting yet another slide into turmoil for the people of Earth.

Enjoy what you're reading? Get content from The Daily Cardinal delivered to your inbox
Support your local paper
Donate Today
The Daily Cardinal has been covering the University and Madison community since 1892. Please consider giving today.

Powered by SNworks Solutions by The State News
All Content © 2023 The Daily Cardinal