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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Wednesday, November 29, 2023

Almanac Animal Review: Seahorses

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Seahorses at a glance:

PHYSICAL TRAITS: Flexible back, weirdly bony back, cinnamon roll-like back, funky-looking back, really odd back.

CAREER GOALS: Eventually overthrow the tyranny of real horses, travel at 5.1 feet per hour, make back a little less weird-looking.

PRIMARY FLAWS: Extremely self-conscious of weird-looking back, nobody seems to know why they even exist, can’t be trusted for any reason. 

SPECIAL ABILITIES: Close advisor to Usain Bolt, able to distort back in a pretty gross way, males are able to birth children by carrying them inside their duderuses.

PLACE OF RESIDENCE: Water… particularly ocean water.

FINAL SCORE: 9.53/10


When visiting my tailor in southern Indiana last week, I was abducted by a group of inland Somali pirates who couldn’t resist a man with a well-fitting suit. I was pleasantly surprised to find they were quite a charming group of individuals as I was transported to their delightful pirate compound. The pirates, however, were not nearly as charming as the seahorse which I befriended on the long journey.

As many of my readers know by now, I have a deep admiration for mighty Zeus, which is why I was elated to learn that the seahorse’s ancient Greek name, “Genus Hippocampus,” roughly translates to horse sea monster. The seahorse ranges in size from 1.5 centimeters to 35.5 centimeters which baffles me that this cute little specimen can be viewed as a monster. It is now no surprise to me that the Greek Empire collapsed, they’re all wusses with poor naming skills.

Usain Bolt, fastest man in the world, used the seahorse in his training as an example of how he shouldn’t run. Seahorses travel roughly 5 feet per hour which is a letdown for real horses around the world who feel they are tarnishing the reputation of the horse species (a reputation which took forever to elevate). 

It’s believed the seahorse travels so slowly as an act of defiance against horses. I respect rebels above all else so this really improved their score.

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What the seahorse lacks in acceleration, they make up for tenfold in flexibility. The seahorse spends most of its time stretching and developing its back muscles (through the use of P90X and yoga) which can actually coil into a cinnamon roll-looking shape. My poor eyesight tricked me three times due to the appetizing shape, resulting in three unfortunate seahorse deaths before I realized it might not be a delicious pastry.

A definite downside of the seahorse is the lack of riding ability. I tried to ride a few but they awkwardly got lost in my cavernous anus, much to my discomfort. I expected to ride the bony back of the seahorse all the way to my tailor in Indiana, but it just resulted in a trip to my gastroenterologist to get my little friend removed from where the sun don’t shine.

To be honest I didn’t give this one much contemplation, it’s a clear 9.53/10 for the seahorse.

Side review: Somali pirates are a 6.2/10.

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