Skip to Content, Navigation, or Footer.
The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, November 28, 2023

Joaquín 'El Chapo' Guzmán draws third straight 'get out of jail free' card

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Late Friday night, Joaquín Guzmán, aka “El Chapo” drew his third consecutive get out of jail free card in a heated game of Monopoly, to the outrage of his opponents.

El Chapo, the famous drug kingpin and part-time Rolling Stone admirer, was recently recaptured and imprisoned by Mexican law enforcement. Despite his maximum security imprisonment, El Chapo has been fairly happy thanks to his favorite game: Monopoly.

The pivotal draw occurred late in the game when he landed on chance for the third time.

“He’s been here before—you could see it in his eyes. He knew he was about to pull another one,” said Manuel Johnson, prison guard and semi-devoted servant of El Chapo. 

Guzman’s Monopoly opponents  were already dismayed after the second draw, and the third caused them to spiral into a fit of rage, flipping the board in the process.

 “Getting out of jail free in real life is one thing, but when you fuck with monopoly, that’s where you cross the line,” voiced serial murderer Jacob Ramirez. “Last time I got this mad I killed three people. Just killed ‘em dead.”

El Chapo’s cheating in the game didn’t stop at stockpiling get out of jail free cards; he also sent his assassins into boardwalk to retake the prized property, even though no rule about retaking property could be found in the official rule book.

At press time, Guzman could be found moving his piece fourteen spaces, despite rolling a five.

Support your local paper
Donate Today
The Daily Cardinal has been covering the University and Madison community since 1892. Please consider giving today.

Powered by SNworks Solutions by The State News
All Content © 2023 The Daily Cardinal