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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, May 30, 2023

The Dirty Bird: Tindering your way to a tip-top tryst

Tinder is a magical world—one I recently discovered! For others joining the game a little late, Tinder is a hookup app that shows us person after person whom we could potentially be attracted to.

If we decide (based on a three-line blurb and 2-to-6 pics) that we do think the person is attractive, we can swipe right or give them a little green heart. If we aren’t interested, we can simply swipe left with no negative repercussions.

If we swipe right and that same person swipes right on our lovely selves, we can begin messaging! And this is where it gets complicated. DUN DUN DUNNNN.

Some people find their long-term partners on Tinder while others find one super fun night.

Who, what, when, where and why?

There are many different reasons people enjoy using apps like Tinder. For some, it’s just about hooking up. Others are looking for new people in a new place (or bars to check out over Thanksgiving break).

The key is to be completely transparent. Letting someone know what we want will allow our potential partners and ourselves to get exactly what we want. As I always say, if we’re looking on Tinder for a long-term partner, we should not pretend to be looking for a fuck buddy. It will only end in disaster!

Always remember consent! If we talk about what we’re going to do together—whether it be sexting or planning a date—we can better understand the parameters of our partnership. We should always get consent in person, too, but planning makes everything much more simple.

From small talk to big dee

An all-too-often Wonder of Tinder is, “How do I transition this conversation from ‘get to know you’ to ‘let’s bone tuh-night’?” These are tricky waters and to navigate, we’re going to turn to the experts.

Bro 1: Just start sexting. Just do it.

Bro 2: Be considerate by sexting about going down on her to start.

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Bro 3: Take your time to get to know her first. Get her number by proving you’re trustworthy and caring. Then drunk text her if you’re out Thursday unless she has a Saturday-level face or ass.

Hag 1: Go on a date.

Hag 2: Go on a date.

Hag 3: Go on a date.

Thank you, expert panel! Those are some super solid ideas. If we want to go a different route, however, we can use our skills to convert a conversation from conservative banter to coital conversation.

Ideally, we’d love to have a smooth transition from talking about our major and the sports we played in high school to how we want some dee in our mouths. The best way to make that happen, in my opinion, is let the situation stew.

Have the small talk and then step back from the conversation. Maybe cut it off with an excuse or just let it taper off naturally. After a day or a couple of hours (use your best judgement), make the move! We should tell the person what we want with phrases like, “Wanna meet up?” and “I’d like to go on a date!” Yay!

From either of those, the question, “What do you wanna do?” is entirely kosher! It allows the other person to shape what might go down, which is perfectly appropriate since we are the instigator! We can drive the conversation to be explicitly sexual or just anticipatory; either way it’s very steamy and exciting.

How much is too much?

Once we start sexting, if that’s what we’re going for, we’ll need to know the limitations of the conversation. Can we just say, “Want to sit on my face?” or do we need to move more slowly?

Obviously, we need to feel out the situation. If we’re talking about meeting up over coffee, asking someone to pull our hair while they spank us is not appropriate. However, if we’re already in the heat of the dirty talk, mentioning we like it in the ass is never a bad move.

Because I’m a paranoid goober, I would suggest sexting over text message, once we’ve already exchanged last names and numbers with our new friend, instead of using the Tinder messaging service. But don’t tell the app! It’s super legit!

Gender politics

We all need to have the confidence to start the conversation with a match. If everyone waits for the other person to talk to them, nothing will ever happen!

However, some people may choose to never initiate conversation, and that’s okay. They may be nervous or just douche bags (like me!). Some Tinderers want to find a partner who takes initiative in many situations, and the first Tinder message can be a great siphon to find someone confident.

What if I know them?!?

Madison is not a particularly big city. Sure, there are a lot of students, but it’s very possible we’ll run into someone on Tinder who we may already know (in the traditional or biblical sense). So what are the politics at play?

I say give ‘em a green heart, as long as there is no bad blood. Worst-case scenario, we’ll give our old friend a little reminder we exist. Best case? We may reignite a fun-filled frisky relationship. Fuck yeah!

Also, like, what if you know their boyfriend or girlfriend? And see them on Tinder? WHAT DO WE DO?

OMG do nothing. We are not the relationship police and we are not rats. Be chill, swipe “no” and move along with your day. Unless you want to be a good friend. But know, when we deliver bad news to our partners, the odds are never in our favor.

In conclusion:

Use Tinder for what it is—a fun dating/hookup app perfect for late night trysts or midday brunch dates. Do not let it replace real human-to-human interactions and try to keep Tindering to a minimum when at the bars or a party. Keep up good game and you’ll be #flawless.

Ask Alex Anything. Email to talk more about anal.

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