The Pizza Underground is a band led by former child actor Macaulay Culkin that covers songs by The Velvet Underground with all the lyrics rewritten about pizza.
They have no drummer. Instead, a woman is paid to stand on stage and hit a pizza box with a drumstick. Another person’s job is to make sex jokes in a fake Russian accent between songs. Culkin, who starred in the ’90s classics “Home Alone” and “Richie Rich,” plays the kazoo. They hand out free pizza at their concerts, making each show into an enormous pizza party.
Last Sunday, Nov. 30, they sold out the High Noon Saloon. The people have spoken. America wants pizza-themed Velvet Underground covers. This may be the strangest premise for a band since the Beatles/Metallica cover band Beatallica, yet somehow the show promoters found openers who were just as unbelievable.
Tickle Torture started out the night. Tickle Torture is a disco-electro house band from the Midwest that perform their shows almost completely naked. Frontman Elliott Kozel wore nothing except a sequined thong that left little to the imagination, which he put to work with a lot of jumping up and down. Scantily clad dancers in gold body paint gyrated onstage and drained glasses of champagne as ambient synths thumped behind Kozel’s repetitive moans of “I’m ready for love.” A projection screen behind the stage showed blurry videos of soft-core porn and close-up shots of women’s feet. It was wild, to say the least.
Next up were the Candy Boys, introduced as “the sweetest boy band ever!” The Candy Boys exclusively sing about their love of candy. They wore candy necklaces, skin-tight cutoff sleeveless shirts and candy bracelets. The projection screen displayed, alternately, sweeping landscapes of candy and a creepy picture of a man grinning maniacally from behind prison bars.
As the show went on, the lyrics became less joyful and more somber. It was like watching the descent of a drug addict. At the beginning they celebrated Twizzlers, Twix and lollipops, but by the end they were locked in a downward spiral. One ballad addressed the hardships of dealing with diabetes and expensive dental bills. Similarly, they lamented, “Our sugar highs are high / but our lows are rough / but every time we fall we get up / Just give us candy.” Their final song addressed how hard it is to be “two grown men in a boy band.” Apparently, “It’s not a piece of cake.”
After a break, the Pizza Underground took the confetti-ridden, candy-crumbed, body-glittered stage. Culkin, holding a beer, worked the crowd. “You guys like pizza? You guys like songs about pizza? Good, because the hamburger show is down the street.” The audience cheered.
All of the band members were wearing sunglasses, and they handed box after box of Ian’s Pizza into the crowd before launching into a parody of Nico’s “These Days” with the lyrics, “I don’t do too much toppings ... cheese days.”
There is little to say about the music itself besides that all the songs are, indeed, Velvet Underground songs that are now about pizza. However, in one interlude there was a break from the Velvet Underground when band members showed off their side projects. The bassist performed a medley called “Kurt Cobain’d” in which he donned a wig and sang Nirvana songs converted the past tense, such as “Came As You Was” and “All Apologized.” Another side project, “Pussy Joel,” was Billy Joel songs rewritten to be about cats.
At the end of the show, the pizza box drummer ripped apart her pizza box and threw the pieces into the crowd as they performed an existential song with the chorus “Why do we make this sound? The Pizza Underground.”
After the Pizza Underground finished, an uncomfortably intoxicated Har Mar Superstar took the stage. At most concerts his set, which involved stripping and drunken screaming, would have stood out, but after three of the most surreal performances I have ever seen in my life, it was underwhelming and I left early. Allegedly, after I left, a shirtless Culkin came onstage and made out with Har Mar Superstar.
Much later in the night, I received a text from my friend who stayed. It read, “I just grinded on Macaulay Culkin.”
This was the strangest, most hilarious concert that I have ever seen. It was completely, utterly unforgettable.
