Dear Alex,
I am in a fairly new relationship and we recently became sexually active. I always feel like my partner is uncomfortable when I go down on her, and says she can’t orgasm whether she’s alone or with me. She has continued to initiate sexual activities, but I wanted to help her enjoy our sexual experiences as much as possible. I want her to feel comfortable, and wanted to know if you knew anything that might help her relax and maybe have an orgasm.
Thank you,
Best Boyfriend Ever
Hi Best Boyfriend, and thank you for the question! Impressive how much you care about your partner’s comfort and pleasure. We should all aim to achieve this with the person we love most! Now, let’s get started.
The most important thing for you and your fine friend to know is that situations like this are extremely normal. There is nothing wrong with either of you, and hopefully with some practice and hard work, we can overcome this barrier to fun.
Believe it or not, two factors of discomfort could be at play here: Your partner could be uncomfortable with the idea of sex and sexuality, and/or may be uncomfortable with the physical actions surrounding sexual activity. Some people love the idea of sex but not the “physical act of love” (Lebowski), while others are happy engaging in sexual activity but don’t much appreciate the idea behind it.
If we find ourselves uncomfortable with physically engaging in things like fingering and handjobs, oral sex or penetrative intercourse, it might be a good idea to evaluate why we’re doing them in the first place. We should remember to never put ourselves into situations where we’re uncomfortable.
A super effective method to overcoming discomfort (in consensual, informed, enthusiastic sexual activity) is by learning on our own before we throw ourselves in the ring with another person.
Masturbation is hard. People talk about it as if it’s second nature, but for a lot of people, that’s just not the case. As Lt. Aldo Raine of the Inglorious Bastards initiative would say, “You know how you get to Carnagie Hall, don’t ya? Practice.” The more we practice anything, the more easily it comes to us.
Bringing ourselves to orgasm is the same way! The more we do it, the better suited we’ll be to keep doing it, and perhaps even do it with a partner. Here are easy steps we can all follow to become more comfy putting our O face on.
First of all, we need to figure out what gets us in “the mood.” Whether it’s watching porn, imagining our most recent partner or fantasizing about an unknown stranger, we need to be in a sexy mindset. We also need to relax. When we’re stressed about achieving orgasm, we rarely will. I know this seems impossible, but try to focus hard on those hot thoughts to keep your mind on the task at hand. After all, the brain is the most powerful sexual organ!
Next, we have to work on hand/finger/toy techniques to find out what feels best for us. We can only know this by experimenting. Some people like rapid movement on their clitorises and dicks while others like slower, more “deep tissue” stimulation. Again, we can watch pornography to see how different people like to be touched and see if any techniques work for us.
As far as being uncomfortable when our partners go down on us, it’s important to note that self-consciousness can inhibit our enjoyment in all things. Worrying about the smell, taste, look and even sounds of our genitalia has the potential to ruin any sexual experience. In fact, it’s almost impossible to experience orgasm when we’re worried about our partner’s judging our parts. Here are some simple ways to decrease anxiety and keep our heads in the game during playtime.
Cleanliness: Many people worry their pussies and penises are “dirty,” however science tells us these organs are simple to keep clean! Vulvas (outer female genitalia) and vaginas are self-cleaning and just need a good rinse every time we shower. I really suggest staying away from douching and “cleansing washes” which can be bad for the good bacteria living all up in our junk and can sometimes cause infection. Man-dongs should be cleaned with soap and water during showertime. See, easy peasy!
Variety: We all know every person is a unique butterfly. But we never remember the same goes for genitals! No two penises are exactly alike, ditto for vulvas. Some people’s exterior genitalia are big, some small, and most of the time people get so wrapped up in the sexual play they forget to examine the minor details of their partners’ v-holes and penises. So relax! Nobody got time for worrying about the way their goodie bits look. Be happy!
Hair: People all have different preferences. If we want to please the person we’re with, we should ask what they like. Many people don’t mind full bush, others like a clean-shaven sex buddy. Just ask!
Allowing someone to pleasure our private parts is a great way to accept affection from our partners. It’s important to remember that if somebody is offering to put their tongues on and around our nether regions, it’s very likely they want to do so.
Besides the excitement and pleasure we can receive, allowing someone to eat us out or suck our penis has a knack for improving communication between partners. Each person has the opportunity to become completely vulnerable by asking and answering questions about what is most pleasurable.
We can ask low-involvement questions like, “Does this feel good?” or inquire more concretely by asking, “How does it feel when I flick my tongue like this?” and, “Does sucking or flicking feel better?” Not only will we learn how to pleasure our partners to the best of our abilities, we’ll also learn about our partner’s communication style.
It’ll show our partner how much we care about their pleasure, which can lighten the mood and allow for even more fun conversations, maybe even some jokes! Ain’t nothing like laughing in bed.
Which brings me to my final point! Sex should be fun! Unless we’re trying to procreate, the reason we have sex is to feel close to our partners and feel physical pleasure. If we’re able to find some techniques that help reduce the pressure we put on ourselves, we can start really enjoying how close sex can make us feel and how, well, sexy it can make us feel.
Sex helps remind us we’re desired. It helps us realize how much fun we can have with another person when we’re open. I think we should all start out our journey to comfort with an open mind about how many warm fuzzies and giggles sex can induce.
Alex has all the answers you can dream up! Send follow-up or other questions to her at sex@dailycardinal.com.
