After nearly half a century of dedication to breaking down matter in the digestive system of Madison native Rob Wilford, his metabolism announced its retirement Wednesday.
‘Meta-man’, as Rob refers to the process responsible for keeping his body mass index below 30, decided to call it quits after 46 years of incessant labor dissolving pizza, bratwursts and alcoholic beverages inside of his 232 pound host just to keep him alive on a daily basis.
“I simply don’t feel like I can perform at a high level anymore. It’s time. I’m too old for this work and want to spend more time with my family,” Wilford’s metabolism explained from his location beneath several layers of fat, organs and skin tissue, “I’ve discussed it with those close to me, even Rob himself, and we all agreed that the hour has come for my retirement. I’ve seen more cheese, fried products and Miller Lite than anyone should in a lifetime, and I’m ready to fade off into the sunset.”
Wilford confirmed that, while he will miss the relentless effort that ‘Meta-man’ exerted into keeping him alive despite his atrocious diet, he appreciates the decades of hard work and wishes nothing but the best for the system that has kept his health approximately where a high-school educated middle-aged American male can expect it to be.
“I have no hard feelings towards that guy, I’ll manage without him. Just gotta eat a little better maybe,” Wilford explained to Cardinal reporters as he wiped barbecue sauce off of his chin. “Hey, you guys wanna get some Topperstix? No? Fuck it, I’m getting Topperstix anyway.”
Friends and family members have begun speculation as to how Wilford will respond following the announcement. However, Wilford is still adamant that he will find a new metabolism that will maintain his figure at a ‘larger-gentleman’ level rather than an ‘I bet that guy needs a forklift to get him out of bed’ sort of appearance.
“You’re on your own now,” Wilford’s physician Dr. Lawrence Nielsen said. “You may even want to change your nutrition habits a bit. Rumor has it that your liver and heart have also pondered hanging up the spikes as well.”
Meriter Hospital sources reported that Wilford was seen “furiously shaking the vending machine” before heading out to buy “some carrots n’ shit” at Regent Liquor.
