Sources close to the crisis have confirmed that Jeffrey Hammonds has entered a state of harrowing paralysis after subconsciously left-swiping the most breathtakingly gorgeous woman ever to grace Tinder.
Eyewitness reports suggest that Hammonds became impatient and lackadaisical after 15 consecutive, uninterrupted minutes perusing the popular dating app and “methodical Tindering”—meticulously evaluating each new female and judging her attractiveness with certainty—which led to his reprehensible fault.
The 23 year-old bank teller recklessly proceeded to engage in a session of “rapid swipe”— where the user prioritizes speed over accuracy—when his right thumb slid the impossibly beautiful face of “Ana, 22” off the left side of his iPhone screen just before he could realize what a drastic, life-shattering mistake he was making.
“Green heart... red ‘X’... green... red... heart... heart... X.’” Hammonds said, understandably shaken when we caught up with him for comment. He was unable to confirm or deny, but we speculate that he did not even catch a glimpse of mutual Facebook friends who could potentially put him in contact with this stunning temptress that entered and exited his life so suddenly.
Hammonds’ fateful grumblings impart upon us all that Tinder’s fragile binary system should not be taken for granted. The attraction affirmation of a ‘Green Heart’ and the everlasting rejection of the opposing ‘Red X’ are mere centimeters apart, the seemingly trivial decision of which direction to swipe altering the user’s entire life trajectory. Much like in life, there is no ‘undo’ feature offered by the intricate world of Tinder, mercilessly leaving you questioning what could have been.
At press time, Hammonds had been alerted that he matched with a 24-year-old named Christina who, by comparison, resembled a hideous piece of gutter trash.
