For sale
Playboy collection—Welp, I’ve been a monthly subscriber to the premier sexy gentleman’s magazine since the 1970s. Let’s just say Hugh is my man. Been single my entire life, so these Bunnies are kinda like girlfriends. In total, 148 magazines are for sale. No crusties, I swear. All soiled issues have been disposed of. Serious inquiries only. Really need this money to support my addiction of paying for online porn. $1,000, no negotiations. Email cremedeladreme@yahoo.com.
Mini bottles of Axe Shampoo—Used to work at the Cinema 12. When promoting “Transformers 3,” we had a special Decepti-scent bodywash giveaway. I have like 500 or so little bottles of this shit. I’m 39, I can’t wear this stuff without feeling like an idiot. I want to get rid of the whole lot at once, 100 bucks or best offer. Call 555-9090.
Shopping Carts—These are not, I repeat, ARE NOT, from the Copp’s off Park Street. I just so happened to come across 20 or so unattended shopping carts sitting around near my house. I did not steal them. Nope. If you are a supermarket and in need of nearly two dozen Grade-A shopping carts, text me at 555-8903. No, I didn’t steal them.
Soul—In all the movies (“Bedazzled” is my fav), the devil lets people sell their souls for anything they want. Well I want to sell my soul. My life has been spiralling downhill for the past eight years or so. I work a dead-end job, nobody loves me. Nothing exciting has ever happened to me in my entire sad existence. Would prefer to trade for 10 wishes. Meet me at the Memorial Union Terrace at midnight if you can make this work.
Garbage—One man’s trash is another man’s treasure! Come dig through the landfill also known as my home. There’s probably something nice. For address call 555-0098.
Services
Advanced Pokemon tutor—Been playing GameBoy since I was a wee lad (I’m 20 y/o now). Was the first U-12 to have 151 Pokemon on Red, Yellow and Blue versions of the game. I charge $20 per hour for personalized sessions. Can help even the most advanced players (trust me, I’m better than you noobZ), 555-6665.
Bushwacker—Exactly what it sounds like. My services are free of charge. I’ll find you.
Ideas guy—I’m full of ideas! Need someone around to give you that much-needed genius plan? That’s me! I hardly go a day without seeing something on TV that I thought of years ago! It’s insane! Find me behind the counter at CVS if you want to talk. I just demeand half of all the fame, glory, money and credit that results from my spectacular ideas.
Cars & Vehicles
Gearless bike—AND YOU THOUGHT FIXED GEARS WERE COOL! This is the hippest f-ing bike you’ll ever see. Don’t ask how it works. It doesn’t. This is an entirely aesthetic method of transportation. Dudes with thick mustaches and flannels will be in awe. Chicks who are way to cool to talk to you might look in your general direction or show some degree of emotion for the first time in years. You will get laid instantly. Email zeppelinsux1992@aol.com for all the deets.
WANTED: Useless, rusty scrap parts—willing to pay top dollar. I’m trying to make my yard look like a scrap yard. I’ll take doors. I’ll take steering wheels. I”ll take full cars, half cars, quarter cars, tractors, trucks, semis. Anything that no longer works at all, I want it. Soon my neighbors will wish they hadn’t installed those damn flood lights. Lolling at their demolished property value. Address is 19 Grandview. Just come by and dump yer shit.
