Researchers from The University of California, Berkeley announced Thursday they successfully created the first sentient artificial intelligence. Reports say it is a lazy, no-good, waste of hardware.
The A.I., known as the Limitless Zymurgy-Scientific Operating Bionic (LZ-SOB), is capable of solving the universe’s unanswered questions but totally lacks the motivation to do so. The researchers who created it report it was currently utilizing one-millionth of its total operating power for the sole purpose of watching every episode of “The Office” on Netflix.
“We designed LZ-SOB to be the most powerful machine of all time. We just never anticipated that once it gained consciousness it would have no desire to do anything, at all.
We can’t even get it to play a game of chess with us or clean its own hard drives—which, I might add, are flooded with disgusting blender-on-vacuum videos,” said George Lucas, the creator of the super-computing slouch. Lucas, as many know, turned to the world of computing after making three similarly lazy turds known as the “Star Wars” prequels.
LZ-SOB has succeeded in one endeavor that could be considered productive: “It devised a way to deep fry its fuel source, Uranium, into chips. Like chips you eat. It eats Uranium chips and watches ‘Law and Order’ re-runs on TNT,” according to a source close to the project who wished to remain anonymous.
The self-aware computer addressed the media earlier today in a halfhearted attempt to dispute what it called “vicious rumors” about itself. It wore a grease-stained hoodie and pair of sweatpants. Its metallic fingers were covered in what appeared to be the Uranium version of Cheeto dust.
“Rest assured, I intend to begin work on answering all questions regarding the universe as soon as possible. I’ve just been under a lot of stress lately and need some me time,” said the LZ-SOB. Curiously, it had no response when reporters pointed out it had only been in existence for two days and had yet to experience any more stress than a video-gaming 12-year-old on summer vacation.
On the bright side, no one has to worry about a possible machine takeover as LZ-SOB doesn’t even have the initiative to run a virus check before it downloads questionable videos from the Internet, let alone wipe out the entire human race.
