I had too much time on my hands over Thanksgiving break. So, I spent my long weekend pondering a few questions while I online shopped and watched a disturbing number of Harry Potter movies. Let me share:
1. What if dogs had 80-year lifespans and humans had 15-year lifespans? Would dogs go to the human humane society when their human died to find a new one?
2. If your socks are mismatched, but you are wearing shoes, does it matter? What if your shoes are mismatched?
3. There’s a lot of cool stuff you can find at estate sales, such as an olive oil pourer I purchased from my deceased next-door neighbor. If the stuff is so unimportant to be sold upon the original owner’s death, will said olive oil pourer be at my estate sale, too?
4. If I become a minimalist, then should I not have children? But what will happen to my things when I die?
5. If my sex dreams are amazing, then do I even need to get laid? I had a menage-a-trois last week.
6. My sister is now a young professional and no longer smokes the herbs. Is she a successful young professional because she stopped smoking or did she stop smoking because she is a successful young professional?
7. Do dogs know what they look like?
8. “Smitschick” was what my grandfather called the remote control. I thought it was a Yiddish word. Turns out he made it up. Should I start calling my cell phone “Taschkicht”?
9. Are genocide jokes ever OK?
10. Are offensive words OK if you add the suffix “nugget” to the end?
11. Why, when I go out to bars wearing dirty clothes, do I have more fun than when I wear clean clothes?
12. Is Madison’s isthmus crooked, or is it aligned correctly and the rest of the world is crooked?
13. In 10 years when children want to see pictures of themselves as babies, will their only source be their parents’ Facebook profiles?
14. After you poop, do you weigh that much less?
15. What time is it on the North Pole?
16. Is Buzzfeed evil?
17. If I start a blog, and the only views it gets are from “vampirestats.com,” does the blog exist?
18. Why do Americans expect foreigners from other developed countries who have never been here to have any basic understanding of American geography? Ask me to name one province (territory? state?) in Australia.
19. If I pass by a Facebook friend on the street and we do not acknowledge each other, should I unfriend them?
20. If you shop at Willy Street Co-op are you a better person than me?
21. What’s the secret to having great eyebrows?
22. How is Bosnia doing these days?
23. Will you invite me to your Christmas dinner?
If you have answers to any of these questions, please let me know at your earliest convenience. Goodbye and good luck.
Send all insightful comments and genius answers to Samy at moskol@wisc.edu. Or maybe stump her by posing your own Tryptophan-inspired questions.
