Downtown Madison has a new business establishment that is getting national attention. The Snuggle House been talked about on “The Today Show” and in New York Magazine among other outlets and was subject to relentless skepticism about the services’ platonic nature. In the weeks since it opened, the House has proven it’s serious about touch therapy, and it appears that clients are showing up to partake, for the small fee of $60 an hour.
Sixty dollars could buy you like 240 gumballs, 12 Subway sandwiches and a decent amount of orange chicken from Asian Kitchen. It’s curious to me that people are choosing to self-prescribe themselves expensive snuggle sessions rather than boatloads of deliciously greasy Chinese food—what do these pro snugglers have over the rest of us who can claim only to have two arms and a relatively warm body with which to spoon? (Except for current employee Lonnie, who legitimately seems like the best snuggler in the world, hands down.)
If the Snuggle House wants to really take off, it might want to think about hiring some snugglers who can promise something else alongside decreased levels of loneliness and increased levels of street cred: Snugglers with fame. Here is a list of some people who I would love to see employed at the Snuggle House—complete with information they could maybe put in their bios:
Joe Biden
Large, comforting frame. Strong handshakes, perfectly translatable to a sturdy big spoon. Proven track record on following through; you know he’s going to deliver. State secrets. If you can manage to get into the appropriate cuddle positions without being blinded by his toothpaste-commercial smile, it’s a guaranteed win.
Julie Andrews
For your session with this expert snuggler, you will be floated into the room via umbrella. When settled, Julie sings you to sleep, her lilting British tones mimicking spring sparrows. When you awake, she smiles fondly at you, face radiating motherly warmth. Common side effect: eternal happiness.
Lori Berquam
The campus mom wouldn’t even have to relocate for this incredible opportunity as a pro snuggler. Some might say that the snuggle addition to her resume might bring her up to the superwoman level—when she’s not saving the day on campus she’s saving your stress levels in a comforting, hour-long embrace.
Jesus
This one kind of speaks for himself. Another reason Lonnie is probably the best snuggler in the world. (Cue, Google Image search).
These are but the tip of the iceberg of possibilities for a top-of-the-line snuggle experience. Snuggle House, take note.
*Although this column is meant to be humorous (and provoke platonic snuggle fantasies about celebrities), it is in no way intended to downplay the benefits and validity of touch therapy, which has been proven to be extremely beneficial.
Who else should be on Riley’s list? Email her at rbeggin@comcast.net.
