Wooo, how about those midterms? I bet they were so fun! Anyway, while you were all studying, I was busy compiling a list of new (and very important and very useful and very funny, goddamnit) words for you all to use in your post-failure, or whatever, worlds. Thank me after your once irreconcilably stagnant daze of an existence is immediately turned up by these boss ways to define ur lyfe.
Chyeahahahaha (adv., n., interj.)
1. A dumb way of saying “yes,” jazzed-up by a vibrato only certain weirdos can summon from the bowels of their throat. 2. The colloquialisms “Chyeah,” which is, itself, the slang of an informal, and “hahahaha,” text-lingo for lots of lolz, smashed together. This form is to be used when one wants both to laugh and say “yes” simultaneously—prominently in a single-world exclamatory sentence.
Example:
Lauren: “Dude, Tim, do you remember last night when Stanley took off all his clothes and rolled down Bascom Hill trying to sing “Varsity” and then had to sprint into the lake to avoid campus security? Well, apparently he’s bedridden for a week because he’s allergic to some bacteria or something in Mendota. His nodes look like they’re filled with silicone!”
Tim: “CHYEAHAHAHAHA!?”
Serendip (n.)
1. The inexplicable phenomenon that occurs when one is dipping (has chewing tobacco in their lip) and something positive unexpectedly happens for no apparent reason.
Related: Serendipping (v.): 1. The act of consciously trying to coax a serendip into existence.
Example:
Bobby: “We were out on the boat serendipping the other day when Jacko reeled in a 25-inch bluegill. Told you that shit works.”
Sarah: “You are so stupid.”
GraviNO (n.)
1. A false state of nature which very drunk people sometimes convince themselves is reality. It is the belief that gravity, for whatever reason, does not exist. There is no possible way to convince someone overcome by the allure of GraviNO it isn’t in fact the way the world works, and they will most definitely get hurt when they jump off the top of their parents’ garage.
Example:
Candy: “SHutUP TOOOmmm, juST BeCUZZZ youR nOt A WIZard Don’T mEEn i CaN’T flY.”
Tom: “You’re lying in a rosebush with a broken leg. Should I call an ambulance?”
Chahbrahh (n., v.?)
1. A broheim who is undoubtedly chill as fuck, which can be determined by, but is not limited to several factors, such as garb, mannerisms, preferred slang and dialect usage, ability to slam cheap beer, frequency of Hawaiian-shirt donning, number of snapbacks owned and keg-stand capabilities. 2. The phrase “Do you want to chill, bro?” condensed into one painfully efficient word.
Example:
Dylan: “Chahbrahh?”
Mike: “Yeah, just give me five minutes to finish carb loading and I’ll be there.”
Burble (n., v.)
The vile resulting bodily function when an individual’s internal workings want to both burp and sneeze but can’t decide which one to do first. This causes a sort of opaque runniness to dribble down the aforementioned poor soul’s facial region, while also causing them a considerable amount of pain—reportedly causing instant death on at least one occasion.
Example:
Isaac: “I think I’m going to burble.”
Mary: “Sux bro.”
Sandstrong (p.n.)
1. An organization created by me, Andy Holsteen, circa 2013, to promote the re-release of Darude’s 2000 classic “Sandstorm” on 200-gram vinyl record. I’m going to be distributing sand-colored plastic bracelets outside Memorial Union five days a week (because I have nothing better to do) for the very, very reasonable price of $3. Please pick one up. You have no idea what paying the upfront costs for 10,000 plastic bracelets with “Sandstrong” engraved into every one is like. OK, it was $12,726.09. Help me. I’m broke. They’re going to repossess my C-Class if I don’t come up with my $490.73-a-month payment by Nov. 30.
Example:
Andy: “Stand strong with Sandstrong.”
Rest of the world: “Oh, I love that song! Here’s all my money! :)”
Did this list make you say, “Chyeahahahaha”? Looking to get one of those plastic bracelets? Get in touch with Andy by emailing andy@holsteens.com.
