Kane Kaiman is a graduate of Cedarburg High School. There, he scored a five on his AP Psychology test, giving him the authority to interpret the dreams of all humans and some of the earth’s more intelligent mammals. He is the inventor of the Electronic Dreamcatcher™.
This week’s dream:
“I was walking around campus, and suddenly I realized I was very hungry. I knew the Subway right by my house was open, and eating there sounded perfect. I knew Subway had some good deals. I was in the mood for the Spicy Italian. I walked up to the register, and the cashier girl approached me and asked what I wanted. However, I looked up at the menu and there was no Spicy Italian to be found. The girl told me they ran out of Spicy Italian meat, so I couldn’t have one. I was furious, but I was so hungry that I got a more expensive sub instead.”
—Eric Talbot, junior
One-hundred percent accurate interpretation:
Subway does indeed have some good deals. And no one knows that better than I do.
You see, I have serious trouble scrounging up food right now. I wake up every morning not knowing if I’ll eat three square meals throughout the course of the day. Surprising, right? How could money be so tight for a world-renowned psychologist, best-selling author and inventor of the Electronic Dreamcatcher™ (on sale now for only three payments of $19.99)?!
Well, Eric, let me break it down for you.
When I wrote my books and took them to my agent, I failed to read the fine print in the publishing contract. No one is buying books in print these days, and my lawyer tells me I opted out of any proceeds from electronic book sales when I signed on the dotted line.
I had kids. I currently make child-support payments to three different women, all of whom were seduced and stolen away from me by my brother, Blane. Depressing side note: Some of my children believe that Blane is their real father, which, although it hurts me deeply to admit, might be a real possibility.
On top of all that, no paper would touch me after I did the infamous Kim Jong Un interpretation. The guy asked for my help, and I gave it to him.
After collecting unemployment benefits for a few months, The Daily Cardinal finally agreed to hire me on the conditions that I work for less than minimum wage and clean the company bathrooms twice a week. It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have to pay for all the cleaning materials, too.
Anyway, during Subway’s “Subtember” event, almost all submarine sandwiches were $5. It was a godsend; I had no choice but to eat there every day. I can tell by your nightmare that you were a regular customer as well.
As we both know, there is no Subtober. All subs are back up to their insane recession-era prices, except for one heroic little sub: The Spicy Italian. It’s the $5 “Sub of the Month.”
So you see, your dream is related to your angry feelings about the end of Subtember. You’re paying through the nose for an education, and if you’re going to eat a sub it’s got to be a $5 footlong.
Furthermore, Subway has left you with only one sandwich option. And this terrifies you.
What’s stopping Subway from taking away the Spicy Italian, too? They’ve never run out of salami before, but they could. Salami Shortage Paranoia (SSP). I could write another book about that...
Or maybe Subway just TELLS you they ran out. Subway has gotten you in the door, and at that point the battle is over. You will buy a more expensive sub; you’ve come this far and you’re not going to leave hungry.
Well, don’t worry about any recurring nightmares because I’ve got some good news.
Cousins Subs is currently offering 15 inches of sandwich for around $7. We’re talking better bread, here. Eat a different Cousins sub before bed every night this week. Whatever you don’t finish I’ll eat.
Do you have a dream you want Kane to interpret for you or someone you know? Email Kane at kaiman@wisc.edu for his absolutely 100 percent factually accurate advice.
