Officials from the University of Arkansas confirmed today that football head coach Bret Bielema has been slowly transforming into a human-swine hybrid.
The news arrived just days after Bielema fell down during Hog Walk and ended up on all fours. Original speculation suggested the fall was caused by the slippery pavement in Fayetteville, where it was raining. The truth is much more startling.
“We had growing concerns in the last few months about some of Coach Bielema’s behavior,” said Athletic Director Jeff Long. “We heard stories about Bret starting to snort in the middle of sentences. I mean, people started describing a squiggly tail. Suffice to say, we were worried. After Saturday’s ‘slip up,’ though, we had to investigate.”
The result of that investigation—a five day study conducted by the entire biology department—revealed Bielema’s anatomy was changing at a cellular level, making him gradually come to resemble what they could only label as a human-hog hybrid. Bielema’s fall during Hog Walk was not a fall at all, but rather his body forgetting how to walk on two legs.
Reports have come in that Bielema’s fingers and toes have started morphing into hooves and his nose is starting to resemble a snout.
“Bret grew up on a hog farm and he’s the Hog’s head coach. Combine that with a diet that primarily consists of pork rinds and pig roasts and you’re asking for trouble,” said Long addressing questions about how the sudden devolution could have come about.
When asked how this might affect Bielema’s ability to coach the Razorbacks this Saturday against the Florida Gators, Long said, “Not at all. We’ve put together a system of stilts that will allow Bret to continue strutting along the sidelines and calling questionable timeouts, regardless of his ability to stand on two legs.”
Some Arkansanians see a silver lining.
“Hell, we aren’t going to win the SEC, but we’ve got a real chance at the Arkansas State Fair next year. He’s shaping up to be a blue-ribbon hog for sure,” said farmer Peter McCoy.
At press time, Bielema was eating a nutritious lunch of liquified left overs his wife had thrown into the blender and poured into his trough.
