Alright readers (mom and her co-workers who grin at her when she forces them to read my articles), I’ve decided to change my whole shtick of being a “comedic writer” and focus on something important: advice. As you all (all five of you, that is) know, I have given you advice on band names, gaining Twitter followers and how to oppose the communist agenda; but now it’s my full-time gig. Please send me your emails. Oh, here’s one:
Dear Michael (thaaaaaaaaaat’s me!), I’m a former child star that is living my life, but everyone from TMZ to my own family thinks I’m spiraling out of control. What do I do to make people stop thinking I’m bananas? From, Drake’s Murdered Vagina.
Oh, DMV, you’re doing great; from the pictures of your socks to your bleach-blonde hair and cheek piercings, to the fact you’re actually doing OK in this world, you’re fine. You know what, DMV? All those people—your friends and family—they’re all haters. They want what you have; what you have is a coke addiction and mental instability from a tortured life of going from audition to audition, gig to gig. You keep doing you, and hopefully one day you’ll end up like other successful child actors such as Lindsay Lohan, Macaulay Culkin and Dana Plato (deep reference). Keep on keeping on. (Sidenote: Amanda Bynes is 27... just saying.)
Dear Michael, my friends make fun of me because all I listen to is pop music. Is it really that bad I enjoy KISS-FM and all the music on it? From, Jimmy B.
Oh Jimmy, you stupid child (I’m assuming you’re 14), yes. Being one of those people who says the only music he listens to is “whatever is on the radio” is one of the worst curses known to man. If you lived your life the way you found your music, you would only be watching NCIS, eating pizza and only using the word “the” in conversation. Being completely reliant on Billboard’s Top 100 is an unworthy cause and you should go out and look for some music, because honestly, it’s easier than ever.
Dear Michael, is it weird to be sexually aroused by robots? From, Michael.
Okay, I sent this one. As you all should know by now, Daft Punk are releasing their fourth studio album Random Access Memories May 21 and the buildup to it has been immense. Every little snippet of information about the album is making me wet with anticipation (gross analogy intended). So yes, I have my right to be in love with two French robots that have the funkiest electronic beats in the entire world, step off.
Dear Michael, I’m a 13-year-old boy and I’m feeling weird changes down… there. Is it normal to grow hair everywhere? From, Maybe A Werewolf.
Gross.
Dear Michael, I want to get into stand-up but I can’t think of any good jokes, what should I do? From, Carlos Mencia.
Carlos, just steal your jokes. Better yet, use this one I wrote in anthropology class last year and forgot about:
“Premature ejaculation. Not saying I have it, I just think it’s funny. If premature ejaculation happens within minutes, then what is mature ejaculation? 10-12 minutes, when the time is right? Or does mature ejaculation wear a monocle and a top hat and say, ‘Good morrow?’ I know I can’t write for commercials just because of penises. See, most commercials would say, ‘If you suffer from premature ejaculation, you should use this drug,’ I would say, ‘If you have suffer premature ejaculation, you should probably feel bad about yourself and give up on life.’”
Yeah… I’m kind of glad I gave up my dream the second I had it.
Dear Michael, are these even real emails? From, Nobody.
Well I goddamn just decided to do an advice column two minutes before I wrote it, stop judging me.
Dear Michael, you are terrible. From, your readers (your mom).
Harsh :(
Do you have questions for Michael? Email them to mvoloshin@wisc.edu excellent advice.
