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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, September 30, 2023

Wednesday Morning Hangover: Just say no to grandpa humor

read an article about last Thursday’s fire at Medical Sciences—which apparently closed driving routes along Henry Mall and Linden Drive, to which my biggest takeaway was, my god, Henry Mall has actually been open all this time? It might just be me, but I felt like that area has been under construction since the Clinton administration. I remember it being closed when I toured campus in high school. And it was STILL closed three years later when I had a class out on Linden. But that thing’s open now? I have the sudden urge to run through Henry Mall and up the Ag Hall stairs like I’m Rocky.

Movie from your childhood that still kicks ass

“A Goofy Movie” (1995)—I wouldn’t be surprised if I destroyed my family’s VCR with how often I watched this gem. For some reason it never dawned on me until a few years ago, but it’s technically a musical. Which begs the question: Why isn’t every high school in America doing a stage production of this film? You can’t tell me a group of teenagers wouldn’t rather perform “A Goofy Movie” than the four millionth tired rendition of “Fiddler on the Roof.” The star of the show would obviously be whoever could sing like Powerline, the Michael Jackson knockoff performed by Goofy and Max on stage at the film’s climax. I remember six-year-old me bouncing off the walls like a fool whenever Powerline started belting out “Eye 2 Eye.” Good times. Oh and by the way, Goofy’s “Perfect Cast” dance during that scene kills the “Harlem Shake” any day of the week.

First-World Hate of the week

This week’s hate is reserved for old people humor. I worked at a grocery store as a teenager, and without fail, every geezer I had to bag for would think they were Richard Pryor in his prime when they made some dumb joke in response to me asking if they wanted paper or plastic. And then I had to give a cheesy smile after they made the joke, which made me die a little inside every time. The worst one I heard was when this old guy was examining the display we set up for “Bee Movie,” which had just been released on DVD. He looked at me with this big grin on his face and said, “‘Bee Movie,’ huh? What’s the sequel to this, the ‘C Movie?!’” In that moment, it took everything in my power not to say to him, “HOLY SHIT YOU ARE AN OLD FUCKING FOSSIL.” I’ve never been to hell, but I imagine it contains an endless loop of 80-year-old men laughing uproariously at their own jokes and taking 20 minutes to scan their credit cards.

Song that will make you wet your pants with excitement

“You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away” (The Beatles, 1965)—My roommate’s friend from Ohio State is in a Beatles cover band and an all-around good dude, and he’s making his annual pilgrimage to Madison this weekend. I didn’t know him very well when he visited last year, but being a pretty big Beatles fan, he could have been an axe murderer and he’d still be good in my book. Anyway, we went to Church Key on a Thursday last year, and as the pitchers kept flowing, I needed to relieve myself. After I parked myself at a urinal, Ohio State Guy came in and took a stall. It was at this point that I decided to start singing the song above to him, and he gladly joined in. Despite both of us being well past sober, our rendition was the most incredible, spontaneous duet ever, at least in my mind. God, singing when you’re drunk is just the best. Conversely, listening to drunk people singing is the worst. If I hear one more pack of tone-deaf freshman girls slurring “Lion King” songs on my walk home, “Hakuna Matata” won’t mean “no worries” for them any longer, missies.

Unedited moronic   facebook status from a kid from my high school

“man law we jack our trucks up not lower them u pussies who do this bullshit”

Man law—we give a swift kick in the nuts to any douchebag who uses the phrase “man law.”

Remember to email to send Adam your favorite grandpa jokes.

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