When I was younger, my hero wasn’t a sports figure, or an actor, or a family member; my hero was Bugs Bunny. He was funny, witty and above all else, a trickster.
A trickster, defined by Harold Scheub of African 210 (this is the last time I’ll ever use something I learned from class for an article), is a mythological god who often plays tricks on disobedient followers. The trickster more or less does this by changing nature, hashing out impossible tasks and fluidly changing its gender. Bugs has the power to turn a shotgun onto itself, convince Elmer Fudd that there is a much more prized animal in a dark cave (guess what, it’s a deadly bear). Bugs Bunny was a troll before we even knew what that word meant. While Bugs was a troll to survive against the incompetent Elmer Fudd and sometimes Daffy Duck, we as humans today are trolls for mostly shits and giggles. Using what my master Bugs Bunny has taught me, I will give you, the reader, a plethora (maybe the most overrated word in history, but I kind of like it) of things to do to troll your friends, enemies and anyone else.
Reserve 10 large parties at a restaurant for one day, never cancel and never show up. This has actually happened to me when I worked as a host. Basically our whole restaurant was booked for the night and we couldn’t seat any walk-ins, but not one of the reservations showed and all the waiters made less than $20. We assume a disgruntled, recently fired employee called in to get revenge. To you, my friend, bravo.
When a friend texts you, “hey are you at [this place]? I think I see you!” Always respond yes, especially if you’re not there. This one is fun because you can play along. “Am I wearing white? Yeah of course, come say hi, I can’t see you,” until the faithful text comes that usually says, “I hate you, so much.”
Find a disgusting or disturbing photo and always send that when you don’t have an answer to a text. We all have a random thing we say when we don’t have a logical answer to a text (for the record, I used to say “bark”). Now I just send a picture of a guy with two crazy lazy eyes I found from Twitter. Fun.
“Did you get a hair cut?” “Yes, just this one.” This one will make people cringe as it is such a stupid joke that I’m surprised Carlos Mencia didn’t try to pass it off as his own yet.
Name your sons Barkevious, Hughtavious and Hugh. Oh Mingo family, please never change, and please let all of your sons be in the NFL so I can say your names on a daily basis. (Side note: Barkevious and the Hughs sounds like an awesome R&B group from the ’90s.)
If you’re meeting a significant other’s parents for the first time, casually drop a condom on the ground “on accident.” They’ll assume you’re good at sex and can please their child and you will be respected and crowned as king of the family (or you’ll be run out of town by a cliched mob with pitchforks, but hey, at least you had fun).
If your class starts the semester with an awful game of “Two Truths and a Lie,” make the first thing you say a completely obvious lie. I always start with “I am an African-American.” It doesn’t help that the next two things I say are “I’m a Formula One racer” and “I worked on building the Curiosity Mars Rrver,” but hey, dumb people will think I’m cool.
So there you guys go; you’re all a little better at trolling now. Remember, it’s not about how many friends you have; it’s about how many you lose because you’re such an asshole. Bugs would be proud.
Email Michael about your “Looney Toons” activities at mvoloshin@wisc.edu.
