Warning: If you do not like the indie music scene, then you might not understand my article. Hell, who I am kidding, I could write about puppies and tic-tac-toe and no one would understand my articles.
I should be in your band. Wait, let me start over. Hi, my name is Michael, I’m 20 and I’m an alcoholic. Wait—er, that’s not right. One more time. Hi, my name is Michael, I cannot play any instrument, I have a voice that makes the angels say, “please stop; you’re killing us,” and I have the stage presence of Courtney Love at Pamela Anderson’s Roast; however, I think I would be perfect for your band. Why? Because I know what band names are really cool right now. Sure, you might think Tears Of A Unicorn is a unique name that’ll get you played, but in reality it’ll make distributors and disc jockies cry. I, on the other hand, know all the tricks of the trade and will make sure your band has an A+ name.
First, drop all the vowels from your name and capitalize it, making it difficult for a fan to even know what your band name is (it also doesn’t hurt to change a “C” into a “K”). Bands like TNGHT, SBTRKT, STRFKR, MSTRKRFT and SCNTST have already started this trend and you continue it with band names such as RTHQK (earthquake), CNNBL (cannibal) and SCSSRS (scissors).
Now, if you’re a rapper, all you need to do is put a dollar sign in your name; A$AP Rocky, Joey Bada$$ and Curren$y think it’s a good idea (Ke$ha does too, but screw Ke$ha). If you want to be really creative, use a cent sign as well, and an at sign and an ampersand while we’re at it. You could be &¢r@yon$ and I’d buy that shit (no seriously, if your rapper name was phonetically And Crayons, your music would be shit).
Want to get into smooth electronic music but you sing in English? Never fear, just pick a band name in a different language. It’s worked so far for Yo La Tengo, Toro y Moi and Autre Ne Veut. Also, all of these bands have random phrases that are most likely google translated to sound cool. So pick a band name like Ein Schritt Nach Vorn (One Step Forward in German), Un Albero Cade (A Tree Falls in Italian) or even Mai Mes (Never Again in Catalan). (It should be noted that I got all of these translations from Google so I’m probably 98 percent wrong, but eh, what is writing an informative and funny article without being completely wrong?)
Maybe you don’t want to go in a different language because you don’t want to piss off your Italian fan base with your bad grammar. Then how about you just repeat the same mundane word twice? Bands like Mother Mother, Django Django and The Ting Tings all follow this principle. So how about you go with Father Father, Candie Candie or The Loud Louds?
Those ideas don’t work for you? Well then you’re just a picky Peter and I can’t work under these conditions and I’m going to Yoko this band. Actually just kidding, this next idea is super simple; just pick a bunch of random words and put them together to make a name. I’m guessing bands like Unknown Mortal Orchestra, Totally Enormous Extinct Dinosaurs and Atoms For Peace just stuck their hand into a bag filled with random names and said, “Yes, this one is perfect.” So, here are my suggestions: Triangle Finger Jab, Increasingly Taller Stairs, Fall Out Boy.
Alright, so I think these ideas were all great separately, but how about we put them all together? Let’s take Increasingly Taller Stairs, translate it into Italian, put in symbols, take out the vowels and repeat the phrase. What do we get? $¢L $MPR TLLR $¢L $MPR TLLR. Welp, I will see myself out. But at least we all learned two valuable lessons today: 1. No musician is original. 2. Never trust me to do anything.
Want Michael to name your band? Email mvoloshin@wisc.edu.
