As we settle into the warm, fleece-lined crevices of our winter coats and guard against the frigid, winds of a Wisconsin winter, its hard not to have one’s mind directed toward certain seasonal traditions and celebrations.
Flurried flecks of snow descending from a pale gray sky make us yearn for that cup of hot chocolate, enjoyed beside the dancing, yellow-orange heat of a hard-wood fire. Little lighted fixtures hanging on street signs and lamps refracting spectral colors through the tranquil darkness of winter-like rays of hope.
Christmahannukwanzica season is upon us, my friends, and while I can’t say winter is my favorite season, I’ll be damned if there’s not something to like about it.
The bone-rattling cold of the Midwest teaches us all to stoke our inner fires just that much more meticulously. Toss on kindling for fuel: family, friends, home-cooked meals and “Christmas cheer.” The warmth of the human body has nothing to do with the heat it traps.
And so I ask, who better embodies this inner-balminess than our own Thong Cape Scooter Man?
Many a UW-student and Madison resident has had their train of thought tossed from its rails in a heap of confusion and social paradigm-shattering excitement, as this beacon of enlightenment parades through their field of vision.
The milky-white butt cheeks, rumbling atop his black moped’s cushioned seats are sure to stir even the most ice-covered soul.
As he patrols the avenues of our metropolis, his face beams out from beneath a pair of sunglasses with a sly smile of haughty satisfaction that instills unqualified, interpersonal acceptance in all whom it meets; his trailing cape waves through the air like the freedom flags of our forefathers.
How many of us have found ourselves walking gloomily down University, racked by anxieties over tests, a job, papers, social drama, whatever, only to have this banana hammock-sporting do-gooder ground us back in comedic righteousness with his unabashed antics? How many cases of death-dealing road rage have been quelled by his barebacked being?
Indeed, TCSM has ridden his gas-powered, metal steed through the city streets since March with no signs of abandoning his righteous mission; I feel it’s time we recognize the invaluable contribution he is to our lives.
When faced with the perils of rush-hour traffic, one man dared to clench his handlebars tighter. When wrongly stopped by local authorities for indecent exposure, one man rode on with an undercarriage aerated only by the gales of courage and altruistic fortitude. When confronted by the thought that maybe, just maybe this world really has nothing fantastic left in it, one man brought the wonder back into our lives with explosive, goose-pimpled vivacity.
Thong Cape Scooter Man, thank you… thank you for keeping Madison weird. Thank you for reminding us of the soft, sun-kissed thighs and voluptuous bellies that lie beneath all of our down feather-stuffed, North Face facades. Thank you, for showing us the true you.
Good people of Madison, Thong Cape Scooter Man has a remedy for every ailment, and hisprescriptions are simple: appreciate each one of your crazy, goofball neighbors; never underestimate the value of a good laugh; and most importantly, love the skin you’re in, baby.
His methods may be silly, but his motives are pure.
And so I direct my rant toward the man himself-—this is a call to our savior, a call to our protector: TCSM, we see you!
I have watched enough Superman movies to know the futility of my desires, but if you should see fit, I humbly request the chance to meet with you, sir.
There need be no mention of legal names, no intrusion on personal privacy. I only wish to engage and give voice to Madison’s greatest living legend.
This city needs you. Its people need you. The prosperity of our state—nay, our country-—lies in your smooth-skinned lap!
Speak to us, oh ye champion of social defiance, and let the frozen lakes of our minds be thawed by your wisdom.
Sincerely, your aspiring side-kick,
The Bare-butt Bike Rider
Have you seen the not-so-subtle Bare-butt scooter? Compare stories with Jake at JMurray4@wisc.edu.
