Wintertime never fails to bring several things: snow, earmuffs, hot chocolate and a reality check. During the holiday season, we are constantly reminded of just how single we are. The Christmas movies are bad enough, and our loud-mouth roommate wondering out loud what to buy their significant others (since we know better than they do, right?) becomes instantly frustrating but nothing, nothing, is as persistent a reminder as a certain anonymous social medium in which Badgers everywhere are encouraged to share their every thought.
The desperate pleas for attention can be written in several ways; the most frequently is “hate-my-life to having nobody to cuddle with this winter! Badger boys, get at me!” Because, as we all know, asking people to respond to requests when we don’t leave our names/numbers/heights/weights is always super effective.
In my opinion, media like these cause more singleness than ensue in relationships. By allowing people to voice their desires without having to admit to anyone that they need a “Badger lady to love on,” we are reinforcing that it is acceptable to hid behind a computer screen looking for affection.
That’s not the problem, really. The real issue at hand is is the decreasing amount of students with any balls. I mean, REALLY?!!, where are the cajones on campus? Girls and guys have all become wimpy wimps and I just can’t stand it.
That’s why this year, my special gift to you will be hard, foolproof techniques to land yourself a Badger Babe this holiday season…without publishing your hopelessness for the literate portion of the student body to laugh at.
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Leave your dorm, apartment, janky house on North Carroll Street. If you GTFO and socialize with, gasp, new people, you may just meet someone you enjoy spending time with. Or perhaps you’ll make a few new friends who know more people just waiting to be hit on. The possibilities offered by our 40,000 plus campus community are endless.
But Alex, how do we get to Neverland? There are event offerings around campus each and every night, hundreds of options and organizations in which to immerse yourself. Find something you like and go to an event supporting or discussing that interest. Special holiday advice: go alone. While dragging along a friend or roomie can make us feel more comfortable, it’s easiest to locate potential lovers when we’re flying solo. You’ll have to meet new folks, which is always a blast, and worst case scenario, you don’t have fun and stay home next week.
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My favorite piece of advice ever, and in my opinion something to live by. No more sweats to class. Ever. Not even out of the house, unless you’re on your way to the SERF or NAT or don’t like society. I fundamentally disagree with wearing anything past yoga pants out into the world. I don’t love the “leggings-as-pants ideal,” either, but if you’ve got a great ass, be my guest.
This rule goes for you, too, gents! Wearing anything you would wear to bed to an outing (themed parties non-withstanding) looks slobbish and grimy. Nobody will want to talk to a person with grungy, sagging sweats! Which leads to your third and final step…
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Go. To. Class. For some of us, this idea is self-evident. Why would you blow off the very reason you’re paying so much money to attend our fantastic school? But alas, so many of our fellow Badgers disregard their professors’ pleas to attend class. Yet nobody realizes the real opportunities they’re missing out on! Sure, learning is great, but the hotties we find sitting next to us make attending lecture even better. Whether you like to fantasize during biology about that cutie from history, or muster up the guts to talk to your future boo from music theory, you stand only to gain from going to class and expressing your personality. Talk to people! You never know who you’re going to meet!
In conclusion Badgers, put your best face (and pair of jeans) forward and find that new cuddle buddy out and about instead of complaining about the lack of that special someone in your life via that other school newspaper.
Have a shout-out for Alex? Email her at sex@dailycardinal.com.
