“Living in the streets? Tired of the same old gun fights, same old guns? Want to meet interesting people, and then kill those interesting people? Then you would be a perfect evil henchman!”
I’m just going to come out and say it, why the hell would you want to be an evil henchman? The hours are terrible, your life is always in danger, and you probably don’t even get paid! What the hell are the pitches from these evil masterminds? “Hate society? Hate those goody-two-shoes that keep on trying to save the city? Want to join a gang that has structure? Be a Henchman!” Yeah, that sounds great, if you’re a maniac.
Now I understand henchman for a secret crime wave like Jesse and James in Team Rocket, but for a crazed super villain? Lunacy I say.
Hey, want to hear a great idea? Drop everything you believe in and start following the lead of a crazed villain in clown makeup; you deserve to get shot in that bank robbery you dumb douche-nozzle.
I think my favorite dumb henchmen are of those of Silva in “Skyfall” (if you haven’t seen this movie then skip to the next paragraph, unless, y’know you don’t believe in spoilers). They commit countless crimes, they evacuate an entire island, and they follow him to death all because he wants to kill one woman. ONE WOMAN. Did they all have something against M or were they charmed by his Spanish accent and his Miami Beach blonde hair (DID EVERYONE GET MY PUN!?!)? It’s not that Silva had one or two friends that helped him out with a little computer hacking, he had an entire army of well-trained and well-equipped men that were ready to go up against JAMES FUCKING BOND in an abandoned house. I’m pretty sure these guys have collectively the world’s largest balls.
Look, maybe I’m looking too much into this (everyone reading nods their heads), maybe films just give villains a group of henchmen to show their power to control people. But wouldn’t it be more badass for a villain to go up against a superhero alone? Doctor Octopus, Green Goblin and Venom didn’t need any henchmen; hell, no one brought an army against a teenager in a spider costume shooting white stuff, wonder why…
I understand the idea of red-shirts (using extras in a movie with the sole purpose of dying to show how risky a mission is), but couldn’t that be done by killing civilians instead? (Wow, I’m a sadist). How much more menacing would it be if Silva just went into the house himself and survived the ambush to finish his main objective? If that had happened I’d have to put him in my top three movie villains of all time (as of now: The Joker, Doctor Octopus and Cruella De Vil).
Ever notice that all these henchmen are white? If I was a villain, I’d go over to the Bloods, kill the leader (which I can only assume is Snoop Dogg), and take my throne as the new leader of the gang. These gang members are down on their luck, living in poor neighborhoods, and waiting on their gang to turn the tides and take over the block. Wouldn’t an organized super-villain with a few cool weapons and the superpower of jumping really really high (nickname: The Just Jumper) easily control them and lead them into a fortuitous future? Was this whole ridiculous prompt just an excuse to make some sort of political statement about gang violence in urban America? Who do you think I am? Someone that actually has a point? No…
So what did we learn today? If someone in a mask or a purple suit or a blond wig asks you to join a special group of people whose sole purpose is to kill the proletariat or the head of MI6 or the Batman, you say no. Probably, maybe, who knows, do what you want, I’m not your mom. Or am I…?
Did you think Silva’s henchmen had no reason to follow him blindly? Would you want to work for The Joker? Is Michael your mom? If so, email Michael at mvoloshin@wisc.edu.
