While it seems like a lot of people in my grade (15th, technically) are sailing across the seas to foreign lands to delve into academic rigor and life-changing adventures through a study abroad experience, there are actually a lot of us who, apparently, are too attached to Wisconsin winters and the beautiful bruises you get from slipping on black ice to pack up and head out. It’s a lot easier to meet new friends wearing a facemask with your head down swearing profusely during blizzards than it is in a new, exciting environment.
While one of my roommates is heading off to Payr-ee, Fraunce, my other roommate and I have started the apartment search for the coming semester, which, my friends, has been interesting. Now, I’m just as addicted to the “personals” section of Craigslist as the next person (which might actually be no one). However, when I’m searching for “Spring Sublet 2013 SUPERCHEAPOMGWOW!” instead of “Single Gal Seeks Crying Companion. Saturday Night, $3.85/hr.,” I get pretty serious and have gotten pretty good at weeding out the people whose houses likely already come with dried puke on the carpet.
Reading listing titles like “Male roommate for Spring” creep me out a) because why does your first preferable criteria for me involve my genitals? and b) because it says nothing about you or your life. You do realize you’re asking me to pay you money to live with your creepy self? How do I even know you’re real and this isn’t a test from Satan, who is one of the only people who might write such a vague, creepy ad that just sounds like a luring technique to force me to cause the fall of man? You can never be too intensely cautious. This is Craigslist, ya’ll. Don’t think Satan isn’t on it. I dare you to look under “Craigslist—Hell—Fourth Circle”
However, the total opposite of the minimalist creep version of advertising isn’t really very comforting either. It might even turn you back running to The Fallen Angel himself with open arms. Listings like, “One half of a totes super cute bedroom with a great fantastically beautiful and super ultra nice group of 8 girlz! Luv them so much!” make me think about when I used to be in middle school, and how I would never want to live in middle school which is what listings like this scream, or rather whisper, to me in a gossipy voice.
I don’t want to sound like a totally mean and picky apartment hunter, but I kind of am, so that cat’s outta the bag. I just don’t want to live with strangers (and how can I not, I’ve been warned against them since I was three). Instead, I just want to listen to Michael Jackson, and watch “Parks and Rec,” and I want to be able to not be afraid that my roommate will either stand over me with a meat-cleaver while I sleep or that they’ll come into my room drunk and crying telling me I’m their “bestie.”
And now I’m sure that there are about one thousand million Cardinal readers out there who are just dying to live with me, especially since I have exhibited my beautiful thoughts to the extremely loveable citizens of Madison. I am endearing and now you know about it. But don’t worry, I’ll get my comeuppance. It’s likely that I’ll just wind up in a basement efficiency, sitting on my stoop (or cardboard box), waiting for drunk people to stumble on my lawn so I can castigate them like a shaky old man. I think I might even grow a beard. Which would be cool, actually. I would have one of those handlebar mustaches and smoke a pipe and wear my Michael Jackson Captain Eo shirt from Disneyland Paris. I think that’s a listing headline we can all appreciate.
Looking to sublet your OMG SUPES CUTE APARTMENT that you think Jacklin would like? Send her an email at jbolduan@wisc.edu and she probably won’t respond.
