Cards on the table, I might be the most awkward person in the world. My awkwardness isn’t even Michael Cera in “Arrested Development” funny, it’s more Michael Cera in real life sad. What I’m offering to you all today is the excruciatingly embarrassing vignettes that make up my life; enjoy my pain.
While telling my female passenger that males are superior to females when it comes to driving, I hit a parked car.
I had my first kiss while watching Jerry Seinfeld’s fantastic “Bee Movie.” Afterward, I apologized for the overuse of my tongue. My second kiss involved getting my and the girl’s braces stuck together for about two minutes. I never attempted to kiss a girl after that (not true, but it could be).
When I was 5, I went to the pediatrician because my parents thought I couldn’t hear well. The doctor then found a piece of corn inside my ear... to this day, I still have no idea how it got there.
When I was 8 I forgot I wasn’t at home and decided to pee in the school bathroom with my pants all the way down. A fellow classmate came in and immediately regretted his decision. I did too.
I called my third-grade teacher mom on two separate occasions (and no, my mother was not my teacher).
Did I mention the fact that my hands are either 1 Kelvin or clammier than Cloyster?
The first time I drank I threw up on the stairs twice on my way to the bathroom (yo be fair, a power hour plus shots of whiskey every 15 minutes is a bad idea for any novice).
After my eighth-grade girlfriend and I broke up, I would take an alternate route that would take me four minutes more to get to classes just so I didn’t have to see her. I did this for six months.
I dropped a class because there was another Michael V. in the class. I can’t deal with that kind of pressure to be the better of the Michael V’s!
In high school, I ate shit so often outside when the snow fell that they nicknamed me “Snowfall.”
The best stories I tell are the ones that end with “and then I found five dollars.”
In middle school I told a kid on my bus that I had an iPod even though I didn’t, so I asked someone for their old iPod case and I cut out the picture of the iPod and glued it to a soap bar. Every morning after that I flashed the fake iPod at the kid and began to “listen” to my music. He didn’t suspect a thing.
Until like a day later when it was pretty apparent that I was using a soap bar.
My go-to pick-up line is “what kind of dinosaur would you want to be?” On the topic of dinosaurs, I onced called myself a “trans-reptilist” which means I’m genetically a human male but I feel like a velociraptor on the inside. During freshman year I would wear sun-tanning goggles and walk around the halls acting like a raptor and scowl at all my fellow residents. This might all sound insane, but trust me, it is.
In the sixth grade I wrote a few love poems to a girl but never signed them. When I finally got the courage to actually talk to her some other guy took the credit. That’s okay because that’s the same year I found out about Cherry Garcia ice cream!
I broke up with a girl freshman year of high school by saying I was moving back to Russia and I couldn’t be bothered with petty relationships. I then had every class with her next year. I explained it by saying, “yeah... sorry about that one.”
I traded my Blastoise card for a hug.
Okay, no more. You guys have enough ammo on me for the next hundred years or so. I’m sure there will be plenty more painful and embarrassing moments that I’ll have to remind myself about everytime I try to fall asleep. Until then, I’m gonna go cry in my bed.
Have a totes awks moment to top Michael’s? Tell him at mvoloshin@wisc.edu.
