An old friend of mine visited me recently. We have known each other since we were 10 years old and were friends all throughout our adolescence. As awkward, unfortunate looking middle schoolers, we never considered each other as more than friends. But as we got older, and I got a decent haircut and he got more muscular, that changed. A casual flirtation developed between us, but because we attended different schools, issues of timing and different boyfriends and girlfriends prevented it from escalating further.
But for the first time, perhaps in our entire relationship, his recent break-up and my single status have left us in the same place at the same time. I suspected he may have had ulterior motives when he called to tell me he was coming to Madison. I thought maybe he would attempt to win my heart with a surprise visit in which he planned to escalate the flirtation with a little help from Jose Cuervo. But what he actually accomplished was a demonstration of how not to win my heart:
One
Call me Friday afternoon and tell me you’re coming to Madison. Tell me you’re expecting me to have a sick-ass party for you as well as a place to crash.
Two
Consume obnoxiously large amounts of alcohol, but insist that you are “totally fine, dude!” Then, take a drag from a bottle of Jose Cuervo and deny the glass of water I offer you.
Three
While playing a rowdy game of slap cup, get over-excited and accidentally slap a full cup of beer in my direction. This soaks my cute top, gets beer in my hair and ensures that I will smell like shit for the rest of the night, but don’t apologize and don’t offer to help me clean myself off.
Four
Later, when you’re sufficiently hammered, pull me aside and ask me a serious question. Put your face real close to my face and say, “Do you ever think about you and me?” and give me a meaningful look.
Five
Ignore me when I tell you that I don’t think it’s a good idea. I don’t want to risk losing the friendship we’ve built over the last 10 years. Then, proceed to make a pass at me. Tell me that I’m gorgeous, and I have no reason to be insecure. Pinch my ass affectionately.
Six
At this point, I will walk away. Follow me. Be persistent, grab my hand and pull me close. Kiss me on the cheek. Then, blind-side me with a seemingly deep, reflective observation of my worthiness —“You know, any guy would be lucky to end up marrying you.” Something that would make any tipsy freshman girl swoon.
Seven
When this doesn’t work, proceed to drink your sorrows away. Drink until you are so drunk that I will have no choice but to drape your arm over my shoulders and drag you home.
Eight
Once we get to my place, I will force you to drink a glass of water. I will make a point of telling you exactly where the bathroom is, but don’t pay attention. You are too drunk to remember anyway.
Nine
During the night, wake up and piss on the floor in my room. Don’t apologize. Don’t make any effort to clean it up. Instead, pass out on the floor as if nothing happened.
Ten
Then, when we wake up in the morning, don’t address anything that happened the night before. Just stretch your arms and say, “Ah, that was a good night!”
Not only did he not win my heart that night, he proved to me that he doesn’t really value me or my friendship at all. He pissed on our friendship just like he pissed on my floor.
He’ll be quick to blame Jose and say that he doesn’t remember. But let his asshole-ish behavior be a lesson: Actions speak louder than words, bro, and no girl is going to believe that you like her if you piss on her floor.
Like your suitors to remain urine-free? Tell Sarah at seolson5@wisc.edu. She can relate.
