There are plenty of beneficial aspects of being a freshman. The first year in college you meet a bunch of new people, partying takes on an entirely different meaning and maybe best of all, nobody is monitoring your every move anymore.
One part of the preliminary year isn’t so exciting. I’m of course referring to the dreaded phenomenon known as the “freshman 15.”
This phenomenon, in which a freshman is subject to substantial weight gain after being separated from mom and dad, is as much an urban legend as reality. However, as a junior, I’m reinventing the “freshman 15.” It’s taking on a meaning that I never could have imagined as my freshman self.
The two things that lead to green students putting on pounds are excessive amounts of junk food and laziness. I can’t remember a time when I’ve satisfied these categories more than right now.
It’s sort of weird. On one level I feel a little bit guilty about how my diet and exercise regimen are terribly unhealthy. But at the same time, I have almost no motivation to change.
I’ve always been at least reasonably in-shape and a decently smart eater. I mean, I have never run any marathons or considered becoming a vegan. But there has still always been some form of motivation on my part to not be a disgusting slob.
For some reason the push ups and carrot juice that used to keep me relatively healthy don’t do it for me anymore. It’s actually getting a little bit scary.
My demeanor is sort of a messed-up mix between the lazy college senior meme and Comic Book Guy from “The Simpsons.” As disgusting as that sounds, I don’t blame myself entirely for becoming a belly-builder.
All the work I have to do for school mixed with all the crap I’m told is wrong with the world leaves me in a very apathetic state. Not necessarily a state of mind where I’m reckless. It’s more so a thought process along the lines of “I’m totally going to be screwed by global warming, might as well pack in another box of Twinkies.”
If you’re wondering how someone can have such abysmal respect for their body, you’re not alone. I’ve been asking myself the same thing since the beginning of the semester.
It’s not like I have some attachment to the ultra-sedimentary lifestyle, though. In fact, I know that once I stop stuffing my face and sitting on the couch around the clock I’ll feel much better (in terms of both mind and body). But for right now the two-point plan of sit and shovel is working fine.
I never knew how fulfilling it could be to do something just to do it. I’m not being insanely lazy and eating like crap because it has any benefit. There’s a pseudo-meditative quality to lying on one’s back and consuming.
I’m sure there’s some kind of scientific explanation for why this occurs. I have no idea what it is. I’m more into the informal aspects of lethargy.
So how do I know when I’ve gone too far with this whole scheme? Well, right now I’m basing it off my ability to fit into my clothes. Once zipping up my pants becomes a challenge, I’ll know it’s time to lay off the mayo-dipped cheese curds.
I know I can’t convince many people there’s a legitimate point in me eating my face off. Most people reading this probably just think I’m a seasoned do-nothing. However, I contest that there’s more to this than it seems.
Sometimes you just need to do something, even if it isn’t good for you. I just wanted a change of pace (for the much slower). Regardless of if it’s good for me or not, there is a glorious feeling to each donut I eat and hour I spend in utter submission. Hopefully this isn’t too hard to undo.
How many loaves of spicy cheese bread have you eaten this semester? Talk to Andy at holsteen@wisc.edu.
