OK, so I know that being a cable-less person in college may render me incapable to complain about the onslaught of political ads being thrown my way, but believe me, those people are cree-ay-tive with their marketing even without the use of TV, as many of you—OK probably all of you—know all too well.
With the Internet and Google becoming increasingly creepy in their ability to find out that you spent two hours designing pony wedding dresses on the My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic website, you get one or both of Mitt and Barack’s faces up in your face, depending of course on how many rainbow stripes and how much glitter you’ve been using in the trains of your pony wedding dresses as of late.
Lately, I’ve been feeling a little like I might see flashes of their faces in my eyelids when I go to sleep. Like maybe little campaign intern elves in business casual wear might climb under my lashes whilst I slumber and plaster tiny billboards to the back of my eyelids. “Sleeping: A great way to rest after a hard day of fueling America’s businesses. However, 47 percent of Americans just can’t seem to open their eyes. I believe in you, c’mon, wake up.” Or, “Friend, I hope you’ve had a truly satisfying slumber. Let me be clear, I promise to protect your right to sleep as much, or as little, as you want. I believe in naps.”
Or maybe on your next night on the town, life-sized holograms of the candidates will appear, lean their arms on the bar rail and try to commiserate with you about daily American life. “Boy, what a day. Look at me, I’m not even a whole man. You can literally walk right through me.” (This is where an arrow will prompt you to please, walk through your next President.) “We can’t let the same thing happen to America. Together, we can make it whole again.” Then he’ll take a sip from your beer, slap you across the face and zap! He’s gone.
You know those emails you get from candidates with subject titles like, “Jacklin, Dinner?” in which you can enter to win a chance to chill with your future POTUS? The next email I get will probably be something like, “Jacklin, bedtime story?” In which, to win my vote, the candidate will hold my hand, walk me over to my bed, pull over the covers, help me scoot in and wrap me up like a little voter burrito. Then he’ll read me snippets from a new budget bill he’s been working on, watch me drift off to sleep, and with a kiss on the forehead and a giggle, he’ll turn off the lights and stand, teary-eyed in my doorway, thinking about the future of America.
Yes, presidential candidates will go to extreme lengths to get your vote, but at least they’re not waiting for you in your bathroom, reading job statistics to you while they lather your hair in the shower, or holding the milk ransom from your cereal until you give them your opinion on Iranian foreign policy.
In the few weeks left leading up to the election, let us remember that the candidates will always be in-yo-face kind of competitors and there is no escape, so we might as well just savor the sweet period of political satire that is the presidential campaigning process, in all it’s wackiness. Even if you do have to watch Mitt Romney frolic through a field of wild flowers while superimposed images of smoke stacks fill your screen before you watch the new episode of “Parks and Recreation.”
P.S., I’m sorry if you couldn’t pay attention to this article because you were too busy clearing your browser history from www.hasbro.com/mylittlepony/ponyweddingbonanza. We all have our lives, you know?
If you’re planning to cast your ballot based on which candidate sings “Hush Little Baby” better, tell Jacklin about it at Bolduan@wisc.edu.
