All-nighters are something that every college student has done: the paper that needs to get in on time, the huge midterm the next day, the marathon of Arrested Development… it’s all the same. But something strange happens during an all-nighter, and by strange I mean something that is totally reasonable and expected happens and you just have to deal; the weird thoughts. An all-nighter has the same shape of a good three-act story: It has a strong beginning, a very long middle, and an end that seemingly comes out of nowhere. One has to be proud of the work they did after the all-nighter, although more likely than not its complete shit, but when they think upon the thoughts they had during the night they shudder. I have for you today a detailed account of my last all-nighter. Please enjoy my pain.
10:00 p.m.: All right, 6-page paper due tomorrow at 8 a.m. That gives me 10 hours to complete the paper. That gives me 100 minutes per page. That gives me 3 minutes per sentence. That gives me 30 seconds per word.
10:05 p.m.: That gives me seven seconds per character… Damn, I ruined my projections!
10:30 p.m.: Alright, I’ve been writing this paper for 30 minutes. I can take a five-minute break right here, watch a YouTube video or check Twitter. Yeah that sounds good, only give minutes though. Only… five… minutes.
11:43 p.m.: GODDAMNIT.
11:44 p.m.: Okay. Write this paper. You only need five and a half pages in eight hours; that’s like a page—NO I WILL NOT DO THIS AGAIN.
12:01 a.m.: Oh god, this paper is due today. TODAY.
12:25 a.m.: I wonder what would happen if She & Him and Matt & Kim created a band together. Would they be called “She & Him & Matt & Kim”, or “His or Her,” or “Double Date”? I’d watch the hell out of that band.
12:29 a.m.: Time for coffee.
12:53 a.m.: Gum is a weird word.
1:03 a.m.: Whatever happened to DJ from Full House? Oh, she’s married to a Russian Hockey player now. With the NHL lockout he’s probably got a lot on his hands. His hands must be huge. I have small hands. At least I don’t have small arms like a tyrannosaurus rex, ha, idiot.
1:06 a.m.: Why did I just waste three minutes making fun of dinosaurs in my head?
1:38 a.m.: Look at all these happy people on Facebook. They probably don’t even know I’m looking at them. I’m staring at you, and at you. And definitely you…
1:39 a.m.: I am a creep.
2:12 a.m.: I should probably follow more Europeans on Twitter.This feed is not refreshing itself with new information fast enough. I need to know what the outside world is doing while I’m cooped up in here writing this paper.
2:29 a.m.: Time for that Red Bull.
3:21 a.m.: Focus. Focus. Focus. Hocus. Pocus.
3:34 a.m.: Maybe I should not turn it in. If I get an F on this paper, I can still get a B if I get A’s all the way through. That’s worth it… right? Right…? Fine, I’ll keep writing.
4:17 a.m.: Time for that Five Hour Energy Shot.
4:18 a.m.: The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side.
4:19 a.m.: Wait… that’s not even right.
5:8298178369872783 a.p.m.: Holy crap… I can’t feel my arm. I’m weightless. I’m flying through the sky like a hawk, no an eagle. Yeah, look at this effin’ heagle, destroying worlds, taking names, eating chocolate chip cookies.
7:30 AM: Huh? What… I fell asleep? Crap. Goddamnit. One more page, 30 minutes let’s GOOOOOOOOOO.
7:59 AM: I’m screwed.
8:00 AM: And I’m never doing that again ever again I swear I promise no doubt in my mind.
8:01 AM: Crap, I have an 8-page paper due tomorrow.
Does this seem like an hour-by-hour account of your last all-nighter? Have some work-study tips for Michael? Send him an email at mvoloshin@wisc.edu and tell him what’s up.
