Beds. Bunk beds. Like in the dorms. Ew.
Alex! Alex! Yes class? How are we supposed to have sex in these beds? They’re… LOFTED!!!
Ah, yes, the occupational hazard of wanting “so much more room for activities.” This hazard is so cock blocking that the Urban Dictionary definition of a bunk bed is “a place where no one will ever have sex.”
You may have knocked your own head on the ceiling just waking up, so how are you possibly going to avoid a plunging partner concussing him or herself? More importantly, how can you maximize thrust potential when so little space remains between your bum and the ceiling? There are a few tricks to get around this barrier while you hopefully utilize another (condom joke, anyone? Bueller?).
So, bunk sex and you. Let’s begin with the most basic position, missionary. This face-to-face entry gets up close and personal in a near-ceiling situation.
Because being more upright is impossible with low ceilings, the partner on top will instead need to rest on his/her forearms, forcing each person’s face to be up in the grill of the other. Missionary becomes an even more romantic position in a bunk, with lots of eye contact and kissing possible, but less arm and hand availability. Not optimal for one-night-stands, or less committed sexual forays.
The second and third of Sex Out Loud’s “basic positions” (found on their blog at sexoutloud.com/blog) are similarly difficult in the bunk bed. The penetrated partner will be able to gyrate atop whichever sack buddy is lying down, but the seated partner has to lean down over the laying partner’s torso to avoid a head bang during your bed bang! (I know, it’s corny! Gimme a break.)
Although woman on top (as it’s called in heterosexual relationships) is doable, it may be awkward with a new partner. The always fun doggie-style is pretty much down for the count here, as there simply isn’t enough room for the upright partner to fit between the ceiling and the bed.
One ever-reliable position is spoon sex, in which the phallus’d partner plays the big spoon behind the orificed partner’s small spoon as each person lays on their side.
It’s not easy to maneuver, however it leaves four hands open for further exploration. Still, it can be difficult to get a lot of power out of this setting, and you might be looking for a way to pack a little more punch. Don’t fret.
Luckily, you and Borat have something in common: you both have a chair. However, you also have a desk, wall, maybe a rug-equipped floor and possibly even a futon. All of these places can be utilized for sexytimes; be creative with your positions and you may find that sitting or standing variations on old classics are even more pleasurable than the ones your bunk is failing to provide.
The most important part of dorm lovin’ is making sure your roommate is either out of the room or genuinely okay with you making time while he or she is around.
Let’s review: having sex with other people requires consent. People forced to witness intercourse that they did not consent to are having their rights violated. So before you get down in your room, make sure your roomie is down with it.
Another option is a sexile. Find out what time your dorm mate is going to be out and use that time to its maximum potential, or ask him or her to leave for a while. Better yet, make your partner’s roommate leave. It’s only fair, right? Just kidding.
Ideally you and your sexy lover can alternate whose room you use, and get those pesky bunkmates the heck outta there, at least for a little while. Set up a code with your live-in friend; maybe shoot him or her a text before you need the area to yourself, or hang a hat on the door if you and your partner got there first. Just make sure you clear it up before either you or your roommate start making time with your new classmates, and be sure to respect your roommate’s desire to use your shared space sans-sex.
Good luck, Badgers, and let me know how this advice works for you!
Have something you want to say to Alex? Feel free to email your responses, sex tips, questions, and article requests to sex@dailycardinal.com. Like any good sex columnist, she’d love to hear from you!
