A local area man was thoroughly confused when he showed up to a protest held by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals on Library Mall Tuesday afternoon, noticing that none of the other participants were carrying pita bread and gyros with them.
“Everyone else was either caressing a pissed-off cat or holding pictures of cats with their brains dripping out of their eyes,” said Stephen Stephanopoulos, an employee at Parthenon Restaurant on State Street.
“I would definitely consider myself a pita enthusiast,” said Stephanopoulos, “but I’ve never encountered anything like this before.”
PETA spokesperson Jeremy Beckham was at the recent protests with his 12-year-old hairless cat, Admiral Snuggles, and was noticeably infuriated by Stephanopoulos’s attendance.
“All of the world’s creatures, whether they are cats, sheep, tapeworms, your neighbor’s dog, snakes or sea kittens [Editor’s note: that PETA-made phrase you just read, “sea kittens,” is not fake. It means “fish.” We’re not shitting you.], deserve a happy place on this earth,” declared Beckham, furiously fondling the raw skin on Admiral Snuggles’ back while glaring at the gyro-munching Stephanopoulos. “And that place is not in a dark, cold laboratory or folded up in a pocket of flat bread!”
Admiral Snuggles consumed the gyro meat enthusiastically, as Stephanopholous, perturbed, froze.
“I mean, just look at Admiral Snuggles right here,” said Beckham, holding up the bald, squirming feline as Rafiki did Simba.
“How could anyone want to do ANYTHING bad to a cute little kitty like him? Just look at his adooorable little nose and his perfect little whiskers. Who’s the cutest kitty, Admiral Snuggles? You are! Oh yes you are! Yes you aaare!”
It is unknown as to how much longer the protests will continue, but PETA volunteers do not expect them to end anytime in the near future, much to the annoyance of literally everyone.
“We have to make the public aware that killing animals for profit isn’t going to fly. Except for sloths. I don’t like sloths. They can go rot in hell,” added Beckham, still groping the cat, as he raised his pinky finger to the corner of his mouth.
