Wisconsin Badgers football team personnel said Sunday that head coach Bret Bielema had been using a menu from popular chain restaurant Denny’s to call plays for the first three games of the season.
Bielema said using the “family-friendly” menu has increased the level of surprise in their plays while he gets to admire “pretty pictures of waffle fries” when he gets “super bored.”
“It eases new players into our complex program here at UW-Madison,” said Bielema. “Besides, we don’t have Russell Wilson or any of our wide receivers and offensive line left, so what’s the harm in having a little fun with the new guys?”
Despite protest from fans, at a press conference members of the Badger football team said they enjoyed using the menu because formations based on the shapes of breakfast specials “makes their tummys all nice and warm inside.”
“Studying the playbook was confusing at first,” admitted transfer quarterback Danny O’Brien. “But now I’ve mastered the Ultimate Skillet formation like nobody’s business.”
Star running back Montee Ball, a Heisman candidate last year, said he backed the playbook change. “Our offense may be in the tank, but there’s nothing like being the lead waffle in the Belgian Waffle Slam,” Ball said.
Despite the futility of the Badger offense, the team has no plans to change to a more conventional playbook. At press time, Bielema said he started flipping the menu upside-down during games, “in case one of those Big Ten fuckers tries to read our plays.”
