Dear college freshman,
It’s me, you in the future. I mean that in the fact that I too was once a college freshman, and I have since learned the err of my silly little ways. I am here to help you, and make sure you don’t make the same mistakes as I did. However, I’m not going to help you get better grades, or tell you which clubs to join or even to stay atop of your homework, because honestly I don’t care. No, what I’m going to do is much more important, I’m going to tell you how to not be a goddamn fucking freshman.
Don’t walk in a group with everyone on your floor
This is the first no-no. If you try to get into a party in La Ville with your closest 20 friends whose names you still don’t remember, you’re getting beer dropped on your heads, believe that.
Don’t wear your Packer jerseys out on weekend nights
We get it, go Pack, go! But do you realize how stupid you look? While everyone else is putting on their best garb to look attractive to the opposite sex, you look like you’re about to scream at a referee for a blind call.
Don’t wear socks and sandals
This applies to everyone, that shit is gross.
Don’t be stupid with a fake I.D.
This includes picking someone that is 26 years old, five inches taller or from the state of Montana. Honestly? How many people from Montana go to this university? Like maybe two… and you’re not one of them.
Don’t hang out with only kids from your high school
You may have been the popular kids in high school, but in the big lake you just look like douches by not branching out and meeting new people.
Get used to shitty beer
It’s one of the perks of being in college. Oh, did I say perk? I meant huge disappointment. Hell, if you can survive this year then you probably can finish the second challenge in Fear Factor.
‘collect’ at least one thing
This isn’t advice so much as a rite of passage. Every drunk college freshman must have a relic taken from a party. It’s the quintessential conversation-starter and something you can tell your inebriated grandchildren one day.
Have a system with your roommate
Make sure you and your roommate know all the code words. Hat on the door means don’t come in, key in the lock means doing homework, Charizard sticker on the whiteboard means sleeping, or you could text them… yeah that’d work too.
Call your mom every day
She misses you.
Eat healthily
Pop Tarts, Tang and Gordon Commons’ burritos does not count as healthy. The “Freshman 15” is right around the corner. My suggestion is to lay off those beers and take a low-cal vodka shot, no chaser.
Holy shit, how many more advices do I need to give?
Five!?! You’re insane. Ugh, fine.
Learn how to make wop
Make sure to put extra everclear in there so that you send that one kid who thinks it is Kool-Aid to detox. Speaking of which…
Don’t ever go to detox
Sure it looks like fun, being on a hospital bed passed out while a nurse takes out all the alcohol in your body and makes sure you don’t die. Wait, that doesn’t sound fun at all, that sounds horrible. Worse yet is the hospital bill your parents are going to receive and the looks they’ll give. So yeah… how’s that Biochemistry major working out?
Explore Madison
Fun fact: The UW-Madison campus is 3 percent of the whole city of Madison (don’t fact check me). So, check it all out. Might I recommend the Williamson Street, Monona Terrace and that one bridge where all the hobos sleep (you know the one).
Don’t ever try to write an article for The Daily Cardinal at 2 a.m.
Trust Me
Don’t ever take my advice
Truer words have never been spoken.
Do you rock your socks, sandals and a Packers jersey regularly and think Michael is misguided? Let him know his two cents should stay in his pocket at mvoloshin@wisc.edu.
