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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, May 28, 2024

FAKE NEWS FRIDAY: Seniors pleased with choice of commencement speaker

Following the university’s announcement that former Yahoo! CEO Carol Bartz would deliver the commencement address for the Spring 2012 graduating class, students celebrated the news as “inspiring.”

“I can’t wait to hear about the tech industry,” said UW-Madison non-business or computer science major Jennifer Hanagan. “Carol Bartz can totally relate to my interests, passions and dreams.”

Senior Class President and man-about-town Steven Olikara heralded the commencement choice as “a victory beyond measure.”

“Who would wanna hear from someone lame like Bill Clinton or Neil DeGrasse Tyson or anyone who’s ever contributed to society in any capacity?” Olikara said at a press conference. “This is way better.”

Chancellor David Ward said Bartz could impress upon the graduating class what really matters.

“She’s so freaking rich,” Ward said. “Like stupid rich. It will allow students to realize that money, not knowledge, is the key to success. Isn’t that what higher education is all about?”

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Ward denied that the selection of Bartz, or the Mordriges before her, had anything to do with increasing their donations to the university.

“If it means millions more for the university, then it is merely a coinkidink,” Ward said with a shrug while browsing the web for UW-Madison’s new yacht research vessel, the S.S. Bartz.

Bartz, not wanting to reveal what she plans to say in what is anticipated to be her mind-blowing commencement speech, merely reiterated how excited she was to help cultivate some of the country’s most promising graduates.

“Such bright, ideal little things,” Bartz said. “I am honored to be the one to inform them you can’t make it in this world without selling your soul. It will be painful at first, but they will come to accept it.”

“Mwahahahaha,” Bartz noted.

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