After a set of ancient scrolls was recently discovered in a well-hidden vault within the mayor’s office, it has been confirmed by experts that the Mifflin Street Block Party is and always will be an event that revolves around getting shitfaced and actin’ a fool.
According to UW officials, the first lines of the well-worn manuscript date back to biblical times, well before UW-Madison was established and even earlier still than when the state consisted of two cows per square yard.
“God said, ‘Let there be beer bongs and crowds of drunk-asses.’ And there were beer bongs and crowds of drunk-asses,” reads the first sentence of the worn yet still-decipherable text.
This information regarding the purpose of Mifflin shocked literally no one, especially Madison Mayor Paul Soglin, who attended the very first official Mifflin in 1969.
“Let’s be real, here. Protesting the Vietnam War? Just a cover-up,” he said.
Theologists across the globe are up in arms over the revelation of this long-lost Judeo-Christian holiday.
“I suppose Madison had it right all along,” said religious crypto-theologist Jim Christianson. “This changes [dramatic pause] EVERYTHING.”
The discovery of Mifflin’s legacy has inspired religious communities around the world to adopt their own versions of the Mifflin Street Block Party. The Papacy is expected to bring in Pauly D from “Jersey Shore” to DJ the event at the Vatican, which is expected to draw millions of worshippers.
“Aaww yeaaaahh,” Pope Benedict XVI said in a statement.
The document goes on to mention that Mifflin was even celebrated during medieval times, though it was referred to as “Ye Olde Festival of Mifflin” during that era.
According to Christianson, the annual religious festival was buried by the religious turmoil that swept Europe during the Reformation, though it was celebrated underground by a non-denominational cult known as the Mifflinati, who are currently lead by Soglin.
“You got me!” Soglin said while joyfully twirling the tassle of his Magnus Mifflinatus robes. “I am but the latest in a long line of faithful revelers who keep this most ancient and holy of traditions alive.”
Although students agree they always knew Mifflin was ordained by the Lord, not everyone is happy about the revelation of Mifflin’s ancient origins.
“You have got to be kidding me,” UW-Madison Dean of Students Lori Berquam said.
“There’s no way this can be true, right? Mifflin is the embodiment of evil!”
Upon saying those words, Berquam was smote by lightening late Thursday night.
With much of the world celebrating the ancient Mifflin festival this Saturday, stocks around the world have risen, particularly for booze, and economists believe this is the first step in solving the global recession.
“There is no question we’ve regained something we’ve lost,” Christianson said. “Nothing will ever [dramatic pause] BE THE SAME.”
