Dispelling decades of rumor and misinformation, women of the world announced Thursday that gender equality is actually a myth and they “really just want to make some sandwiches.”
“The GOP is right,” women confessed at a press conference Thursday. “We really would like to return to the kitchen.”
The announcement comes after years spent planting misleading statistics and staging fake protests designed to convince the public that gender equality is a good thing.
Being female, women fell for the ruse and “believed we were entitled to equal pay, mutual respect and the same rights as men,” they said.
“We should have known better,” women conceded Thursday while tying their apron strings and applying lipstick.
In Wisconsin and across the country, the announcement reaffirms what wise conservative legislators knew all along.
Scott Fitzgerald, the state’s Senate Republican Leader and generally super chill bro, led the legislature in passing what a few mean-spirited, frigid hags described as “women-bashing bills.”
The legislation included bills to repeal the Equal Pay Act and implement tougher barriers for women seeking abortions in Wisconsin.
“Retrospectively, we should have known we were right,” Fitzgerald said, “We are men, after all.”
Republican presidential candidates Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich hailed the announcement as a victory, releasing a joint press release entitled “We told you so.”
Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker was among those who shot down such suggestions that the United States should not revert to 19th century standards.
According to Walker, the recent announcement from women proves he and his legislators have been right all along.
“Why didn’t I emphasize signing that legislation into law?” Walker snapped. “Because it was common sense and totally not a big deal.”
“Duh,” the governor added.
Women would have responded to the legislators’ criticisms themselves, but chose to defer to the better judgment of men.
—definitely not Glenn Grothman
