In a move that shocked conservatives and liberals alike, Gov. Scott Walker signed an executive order decriminalizing marijuana in the state of Wisconsin in honor of 4/20.
“This is a great moment for Wisconsin. Actually, the best moment. You guys are totally gonna stop hating me now, right?” Walker said at a press conference Thursday, looking particularly bloodshot. “Now, Burrito Drive for all!”
Some lawmakers are furious he waited until the end of the legislative session to make such a controversial move.
While some of the more conservative members, including state Sen. Mary Lazich, R-New Berlin, and state Rep. Steven Nass, R-Whitewater, are launching a “Ground Walker” campaign, other legislators are mad he’s stealing the spotlight.
“Seriously? I’ve been trying to do this for years!” state Rep. Mark Pocan, D-Madison, said. “Now this jerk gets all the credit.”
The announcement resulted in an immediate decline in protesters outside the Capitol, and a poll conducted following the press conference found that most Madisonians found the policy to be “rad.”
However, Madison Mayor Paul Soglin was less than pleased.
“Oh, we got trouble right here in Madison!” Soglin said to a chorus of groans. “With a capitol ‘T’ which rhymes with ‘P’ which stands for ‘pot.’”
Soglin continued that once marijuana is allowed on the streets of Madison, the city will be “overcome with hooligans! Hooligans, I say!” He called for a man-to-man chat with Walker to see what he can do to “stop the buffoonery.”
However, the veteran mayor could not get a hold of Walker.
“He’s, uh, indisposed at the moment LOLCATZ,” said Walker spokesperson Cullen Werwie.
Although Walker is officially touring a factory upstate, he was seen chowing down at Los Gemelos with his campaign spokesperson Ciara Matthews. They were celebrating his immediate surge in the polls following the decriminalization.
An anonymous customer overheard him say: “Ciara, the whole ‘decriminalization’ is the second best idea you’ve ever had. This tostada is the first.”
