Welcome young knight to your quest. Your objective is to find the fair maiden. You will have to muddle your way through dangerous traps, high heat and your love of whiskey to find said maiden. But be careful journeyer—not everything is at it seems. What may appear to be a fair maiden could actually be an evil entity trying to convince you otherwise. So without further ado:
The five types of girls you meet in college:
The Sleeping Beauty
The Sleeping Beauty looks like a fair maiden. She’s beautiful, she dresses nice and she seems approachable. But once you come near her you learn the awful truth—she has no personality. Her clothes are either dark black or slightly darker black (if you get the reference you are my fair maiden). You might try to get conversation out of her by asking simple questions like, “What is your major?” or “Where are you from?” and her responses will be one word each.
’Tis like talking to a parrot that had a very pessimistic owner. The Sleeping Beauty is waiting for her Prince Charming to kiss her and give her life, but trust me, you are not her Prince Charming.
The Apparition
You had a great night with The Apparition. She’s smart, funny and not bad to look at but best of all, you got her phone number. You wait the appropriate amount of days before you call her and ask her for a date, but she’s busy… every damn day. It’s probably because of her double major in neurobiology and mechanical engineering, her volunteering at the hospital and the fact that she’s the president of three clubs. This girl is probably perfect but her schedule is more booked than a traveling middle school soccer team. Maybe it’s best you never see The Apparition because you can never understand her.
The Jester
The Jester loves to play tricks on you. You don’t know if you’re actually connecting with her or if she’s being serious. Hell, you don’t even know if she’s single. The Jester speaks in riddles and paradoxes and it takes some sort of genius to swat through the bullshit. The quicker you realize you’re talking to a Jester the better off you’ll be. The worst Jesters will rope you along for months giving you hope every once in a while by saying, “I can’t be with you… right now.” (Whoever understands my references, please call me. I am available).
The Younger Princess
The Younger Princess can do anything she wants because she knows she won’t become the Queen. She majors in English, has no Friday classes and goes out hard every weekend. You’d be shocked to see a text from her without at least three spelling errors. The Younger Princess probably went to an uptight Catholic school and at the first whiff of freedom became a freak. The Younger Princess might be a-barrel-of-monkeys fun, but she is also a-barrel-of-monkeys crazy. Spring break, woo!
The Fair Maiden
This is it. Your journey is finally over. You found a girl who isn’t boring, has a life, can be serious and doesn’t go out partying every night. Now all you have to do is not mess it up, right? How hard could it be to keep someone so perfect from leaving? You just need to satisfy them intellectually and physically. That can’t be hard, right? I mean, you’ve dealt with girls before and now you’re dealing with a woman. You can do this. You’ve got this, just go over there and say, “Hi.” No, that’s not right. Say, “Hey good looking.” That sounds awful as well. Just tell her she looks nice. No, that’s cheesy. Gahhh.
Oh look, a girl downing Jaeger Bombs. I’ll see what she’s like.
Think you’re Michael’s fair maiden? E-mail him at mvoloshin@wisc.edu and let him know his journey is finally over. Stay tuned for the five boys you meet in college.
