Cheeseheads everywhere can rest easy tonight knowing the infamous Baron Rodgers, brother of the beloved Green Bay Packers quarterback, has been caught and put behind bars.
For years, Baron has terrorized good-natured Wisconsin citizens with his diabolical schemes. In 1983, Baron was born alongside his twin brother, Aaron Rodgers. They grew up in California, and while Aaron excelled at football and academics, Baron found his passion was turning calculators into make-shift Tasers and putting Barbie dolls on the grill or behind the wheels of their parents’ parked car.
Dropping out of school at the age of 12 to dedicate his life to acts of violence, Baron traveled the world to learn about the art of crime. It was during this time he discovered his love for trains and dynamite.
Armed with his evil knowledge, Baron led the Pleasant Valley Bandits to an unprecedented 3-0 season of successful train robbing. Pleasant Valley Police cited their lack of preparation for train robberies as the main caveat to Baron’s success.
“Who robs trains? Who does that?” Police Chief Ed Collins explained in 1998. “Of course we did not know how to respond. This is the 20th Century for heaven’s sake.”
Still, the offenses landed Baron in a dim spotlight that caught the attention of various crime syndicates, each hoping to utilize his evil potential. As such, Baron disappeared into the dark shadows of the underworld, though he has been seen escaping the scene of many crimes, sometimes wearing a Burger King crown on his head.
Baron reached the peak of his evil career during the most recent NFL postseason when he snuck into Green Bay’s locker room during the Packers losing contest against the Giants. He has been accused by angry Green Bay fans everywhere of spiking the Powerade coolers.
His luck ran out last weekend, however, when Baron was seen tying Miss Canola Oil to a train track. Authorities rushed to the scene, at which point Baron cackled and attempted to flee. It was then he was subdued by a football, thrown perfectly at his head by his brother.
“I used to just let Baron do his thing, but after what he pulled on me during the playoffs, I’ve lost sympathy,” Aaron said.
