Over the past two of years, I have begun to take notice of a couple intriguing developments. One, the essentiality of having baby carrots and hummus on hand at all times, and two, my mother and I are two peas in a pod.
Our similarities go way farther than the fact that she and I always seem to inadvertently wear matching outfits (On my birthday this year, we both wore black bottoms and purple tops with bling dangling from our ears). For some, the prospect of becoming his or her parents is painstakingly frightening, but I find I am quite comfortable with my recent realization. Sure, on occasion the shrill rants of Mamma Jackie Alt make me want to puncture my ear drums. But on the whole, she is one badass mamma who knows how to break it down and keep it real. As promised in my previous column, I will now outline for you just how similar I have become to my mother.
Replacing water with wine
The past couple of summers and winter breaks have been characterized by the following: I babysit four darling chitlens for roughly nine hours each day and come home thoroughly exhausted. Do not get me wrong when I say that bottle of wine waitin' for me at home is like my sanctuary-I love those lil' babes more than life itself.
But over the years, my mother has conditioned this desire-bordering on need-by simply asking, "Wine?" without fail each time I walk in the door. I now find myself itching for a crisp glass of Sauvignon Blanc while I whip myself up some lime and chili crusted chicken. Plus, the thought of pairing water with my meal just does not bode well with me anymore. Alas, like my dear mother, I am slowly substituting water with wine.
Realizing the appeal of the "Forever Lazy"
If you aren't familiar with this latest "As Seen on TV" product, YouTube it immediately. A few factors play into my hankering for the Forever Lazy. First, I regret not jumping on the Snuggie bandwagon thus feel purchasing a Forever Lazy will make up for my previous blunder.
Secondly, like Mamma Alt, I find I am constantly colder than a witch's tit. And last, but certainly not least, the Forever Lazy conveniently comes with a button down butt flap, so when we have had one too many glasses of wine, we can break the seal without even taking our onsies off. Ergo, Jackie Alt will be receiving a matching set of Forever Lazys this year for her birthday so we can continue to venture out in public as identical twins.
Old lady/Upper-Midwest phrases:
I don't know about you, but I have not met too many youngsters my age responding to their peers with phrases like, "Oh you betchya!" Nonetheless, this phrase and ones like it have increasingly worked their way into my vernacular. I don't see this as a necessarily bad thing, but it does seem to attract some peculiar looks from time to time. Other examples of expressions I've stolen from Jackie are: "Say now...," "It threw me for a loop!," "Uff dah" (anyone with Scandinavian roots should be familiar with that particular expression) and, my personal favorite, "It's a tid bit nippley out here."
Evidently, I am a 56-year-old trapped inside a 21-year-old's body. The one thing I am happy to say I have not acquired from Mamma Alt is her understanding of exercise. When I expressed my desire to begin running more regularly at the beginning of this year, my sweet ole mother asked, "Why?" When I responded with something along the lines of, "It's good for your heart, I want stronger calves and I quite enjoy the runner's high," she countered with, "Honey, you shouldn't start running. It's bad for your joints, ya know." Read: Never mind all of the benefits of running. It is hard on your joints so just stick to planting your ass next to me on the couch with a fat bowl of ice cream.
Luckily, I did not succumb to this particular piece of advice and have continued regularly running in spite of her objection. Otherwise I would most likely have developed quite the fupa, what with my newly 21-year-old self insisting on the importance of drinking a glass(es) of wine with my dinner and eating chocolate after every meal. Wine and dark chocolate are good for heart, donchyaknow?
Morphing into your good ole ma and pop as well? Rather than fret, e-mail Rebecca at alt2@dailycardinal.com and embrace it with her over a refreshing glass of Kim Crawford.
