After weeks of speculation, religious authorities have confirmed that Jesus Christ once again walks among us in the form of UW-Madison Badger running back Montee Ball.
Rumors of this were proven to be true after Ball was observed turning water into beer last weekend after the Badgers won the Big Ten Championship game against Michigan State.
Fans of the Oregon Ducks, the team the Badgers will be playing in the Rose Bowl next month, panicked after this was disclosed to the public.
“Man, this isn’t even fair,” Ducks head coach Charles “Chip” Kelly said after the news broke Thursday night. “Like, will He eternally damn us if our defense forces him to fumble? And how exactly are we expected to tackle someone who can freaking fly?”
“Well technically there’s nothing in the rulebook that says anything against playing Him in a game,” Badger Head Coach Bret Bielema said. “I feel like it’d be morally wrong NOT to play Him. So we’re just gonna roll with it.”
Since the incident last Saturday made Ball’s sacred identity official, He was also seen converting two Ohio State fans into hardcore Badger football enthusiasts in what has recently been coined the “healing of the blind men” situation.
“I can’t believe we didn’t realize this earlier,” Bielema said. “If you recall the famous Gospel verse, ‘For God so loved the Badgers that he gave his only begotten Son to redeem them in the Rose Bowl. It all makes perfect sense.”
Ball recently set the UW record for the most points scored in a season, and is a candidate for the Heisman trophy.
Other teams in the Big Ten are reportedly speculating about the legitimacy of His accomplishments, but they have yet to speak up about the issue for fear that they will be smiten with a bolt of lightning.
When asked about His nomination for the Heisman Trophy, Ball had some wise words for his followers.
“Like a prize calf being fattened for the harvest feast, I am honored to haveth been considered for this honor above of all other honors.”
After his daily run on Lake Mendota, Ball will hold a press conference at noon on Saturday at the top of Mount Bascom. It has been said that He plans to address the cheers at home football games that He claims “take the name of [His] Father in vain.” This event is open to the public.
