The largest inter-fraternity battle in UW-Madison’s history broke out Thursday after a Sigma Phi Epsilon member claimed he experienced “an unforgivable and devastating act of social dejection” from a Delta Upsilon member.
Sig Ep member Kirk Kelly said he was walking down Langdon Street to his fraternity house when he passed Timothy “Tito” Cooper from DU. In a familiar motion, Kelly swiftly cocked his head back completing the gesture commonly known as “the guy nod.” The greeting was not returned.
“From that point on, things began to intensify,” Kelly’s close friend and confidante Kyle Huntzman said.
Huntzman said tempers were already high after Kelly said a Tri Delta member who had hooked up with Cooper “totally wanted his dick.”
Cooper said he extended a resolution to Kelly in order to resolve the situation before it escalated, but was met with no avail.
“I offered to just hug it out, no homo of course,” Cooper said. “But Kirk was unreasonable and denied.”
Kelly said even “hugging it out” could not correct the wrong Cooper executed.
“In Greek life, we’re all about principles,” Kelly said between sobs. “It’s guy code bro. It’s fucking guy code.”
With the refusal to make amends, the resentment erupted into what fraternity members refer to as a “frattle.”
Sig Ep launched the first offensive with pranks such as “poop dollar,” a popular game where a poop-laced dollar is set on the sidewalk for an unfortunate passerby to pick up. Witnesses estimated nearly 300 dollar bills littered DU’s front lawn.
“It was so shitty,” Cooper said holding out his feces stained hands. “I kept picking up dollar bills just hoping one wouldn’t have poop on it so I could use it for my day-drinking beer run.”
After the situation did not show signs of stopping, leaders of the Panhellenic Council met to discuss diplomatic measures and solutions.
DU leaders refused to recognize Sig Ep’s eligibility on the Council, to which the rest of the council responded with beer sanctions against DU.
“It is our opinion that until DU recognizes Sig Ep’s right to exist on the Council, we impose the harshest punishment imaginable, which is obviously withholding beer from its grounds,” Alpha Phi Epsilon representative “Ray Ray” Jenkins said.
After four hours of sobriety, the longest in the fraternity’s history, DU decided to make amends. The two fraternities celebrated the resolve with shots and spankings.
