Apparently, I have an inviting face.
Don’t get me wrong, I do not mean inviting in an attractive way. Nay, I mean it in a I-look-like-I-want-to-hear-about-your-problems-face way.
Perhaps it is my accidentally encouraging smile or maybe my expressive eyebrows as they raise and furrow to fit the emotions of the speaker’s harrowing tale. Better yet, it could go beyond my face all together and solely be blamed upon my inherent nature to continue asking questions even when disinterest is oozing out every pore in my body.
This is the reason I have people telling me the date of their next colonoscopy. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Mind you, I’m not trying to say I’m popular. I don’t even KNOW these culprits of excessive gab (both males and females). The following is a situation that happened just over a week ago, proving that no one wants this kind of inviting nature wrought upon him or her.
I was working at a telethon fundraiser for a non-profit organization one night, and during a break for most of the other volunteers I was one of the few who got stuck manning the phones as everyone else partook in some mouthwateringly cheesy pizza. However, the two program managers lingered. Oh, did they linger.
One of the guys sat next to me as the other walked over with a slice of pizza, remarking we should be sure to get some before it’s gone. To this, my seated companion (who I will henceforth refer to as “Grumbly”) decided to share the news that he couldn’t eat after 7 p.m. because his stomach really didn’t agree with him at that late hour.
“My doctor tells me I have acid reflux so stuff just doesn’t sit well late at night,” Grumbly continued to explain while giving me a knowing look.
Any normal person would probably mumble an “I’m sorry” and turn back to their phone in this uncomfortable situation, but not me. No, even as I surreptitiously asked myself what the hell I think I’m doing, my mouth formed words along the lines of, “Oh, my aunt got a chunk of meat lodged in her throat once from acid reflux and had to get it removed at the hospital.” Boom. Can of worms opened.
Mistakenly interpreting my contributing comment as a sign of interest, Grumbly launched into a discussion of his dietary requirements and restrictions. The following is how the rest of the conversation went down, according to my memory.
“Yeah I have to eat a lot of flax seed to keep myself [whispered] regular,”mumbled Grumbly.
“Oh! I sometimes put flax seed in my oatmeal because it’s such good fiber!” I quickly interjected. Wait, why did I say that?
“Exactly. It’s kind of like what they give you at the doctor’s office before a colonoscopy,” said Grumbly, picking up confidence in our new camaraderie. “That stuff really cleans you out but it’s not actually so bad.”
“Huh, yeah.” (Dear God, Jaime, why are you doing this?) “I usually hear people complain about it a lot,” I contributed. (Apparently this was interpreted as: “Please tell me about your personal experience with colonoscopies.”)
I will spare you the goriest details, but suffice it to say, due to some cysts the doctors found in his colon, Grumbly is due back for another check-up in three years.
As the ghastly notion of knowing the intimate situation of a stranger’s bowels sunk in—yet there I sat, still nodding and smiling—I fear Grumbly was practically on the verge of inviting me to come along for this next trip.
Luckily, a viewer of Barbra Streisand’s “One Night Only” program chose this moment to call and make a donation… Five minutes down the road, this led to a discussion of her new apartment and its auspicious discovery on Nov. 11, 2011 (11/11/11). Sometimes, I just can’t win.
So perhaps with my curious-to-a-fault disposition I will consider a change in career paths. Forget journalism; I should become a shrink. People are going to tell me their personal information regardless, I might as well get paid to doodle on a pad while it happens.
Want to disclose some of your own personal experiences and medical fiascos to Jaime? She’s more than welcome to hear them, so send ’em on over to her at jbrackeen@wisc.edu.
