Dear Erica,
Quick question: Blowjobs are my favorite thing in the world! My girlfriend doesn’t give them to me as much as I would like. Any advice on how to get her to do it more often? Thanks so much!
—J.
Ask her more often?
I am only half joking. J. My advice is to make it clear to your girlfriend not only that you enjoy blowjobs and would like to have them more often, but also that in order to achieve this goal, you’re willing to work on her terms. Find out her reasons for saying no and try to help mitigate them.
Maybe she is tired or stressed after a long day; offer to help her out with something, or give her a massage to help her relax. Maybe she doesn’t like it when you grab her head and hold it there while she gags on your cock (or maybe she wants you to start). Maybe she would like you to pay some attention to your pubic hair situation. Maybe she doesn’t feel there is enough reciprocity in the oral arena.
Additionally, pay attention to when you’re asking. For example, if she’s stressed about a big exam she has tomorrow, then not only might she be more likely to say no, but she might also be pretty annoyed. That annoyance might resurface the next time you ask. However, if you ask her the day after you spent a night ravishing her from head to toe (see the nexy question), then she might be more inclined to blow your mind.
Find out what the reason is, and then offer to fix it. If there truly isn’t a reason—she just doesn’t like giving head—and this is important for your sexual happiness, then I hereby give you permission to dump her.
I do not give you permission to threaten to dump her in an effort to coerce her into saying yes, and I do not give you permission to deliberately make her feel guilty for setting limits. If you leave, do not say, “Well, if you blew me more, this never would have happened.” Instead, say, “We have different things we want out of our sex life. Oral sex is an important part of good sex for me, but so is respecting your limits, and so we aren’t going to be good partners for each other.”
While it is true that it is rare for people’s sexual desires to match up perfectly, and most of us have tried/done things we are lukewarm about because we care about our partners and want them to be happy, we are not obligated to do anything we do not want to do. Your girlfriend has every right to say no, and you have no right to make her feel guilty or try to pressure her into saying yes.
You do, however, have the right to find a partner who willingly gives you what you need/want. Find out what will bring oral sex within your girlfriend’s limits. If it cannot be done, then find a girlfriend with a different set of limits.
Dear Erica,
Hey, I was wondering if you could help me. What does it take to completely satisfy a woman in bed?
—M.N.
Honestly, M.N., you are asking the wrong person.
The person you should ask about complete satisfaction is the person you are trying to completely satisfy. Regardless of how long you have known your partner, ask them what they like and how they like it.
A great way to do this is to ask your partner how they pleasure themselves; alternatively, have them show you, either by guiding your hand with their own or by masturbating in front of you.
Side note: If you are a woman and you have not masturbated, then you need to start. If you cannot answer M.N.’s question yourself, there is approximately a 0 percent chance you will find a partner who can answer it for you.
Now, M.N., I do have some tips to give you, but you’re going to have to wait. See, if I give them out now, then there is a chance you might just use them without asking your partner what her own top sex tips are. So, unless you want your lady to have to wait another whole week for complete satisfaction, you will have to inquire with her personally. Use her tips for now, then check in next week for a few more tricks to round out your repertoire.
Want more tips? Send Erica an e-mail at sex@dailycardinal.com.
